Today I woke up in a piss poor mood and if I’m honest with myself I have not been able to shake it off. It seems like every year I get depressed around the Holidays but this year is a bit different. I feel like I’m a failure and I have no future despite all the data showing the opposite. I feel like that I don’t deserve to have a great family that supports me the way that they do. For some reason this time of year brings on a self loathing that I can’t explain and despite being aware of it I feel powerless to shake it.
I haven’t slept well in almost a month. I literally close my eyes every single night and I’m greeted with horrible nightmares surrounding my present and future. I honestly get to the point where I’m afraid to go to sleep and sit up watching NetFlix until like 3-4am until exhaustion and Benedryl (over the counter anti-histamine) finally take hold and force me to sleep. After a while this lack of sleep and energy leads to a place where you find it hard to even roll out of bed in the morning.
This morning I woke up around 7am and could not get back to sleep and finally drug my ass out of bed around 10am. I didn’t sleep at all during those 3 hours, I just stared at the wall and panicked about anything and everything.
I’m damn lucky to have a wife and kid that loves me no matter what because I feel like I’m a drain on them. I feel selfish for being around and forcing them to have to deal with this depression along with me. I am eternally grateful though that they love me enough to stick it out with me each and every year even when it’s getting progressively worse.
I don’t know what compelled me to write in my BLOG but I feel it might have something to do with it being easier to type my thoughts then share them in videos sometimes. I find that camera incredibly judgmental and intimidating this time of year. For some reason I care what people think, I care what their critiques are and I take everything with a boulder rather than a grain of salt so to speak.
You guys have been amazing, despite the few people that derive joy from trying to screw with me constantly the vast majority of my supporters enjoy what I do and support what I do to a point that makes me want to keep doing it despite the depression and anxiety that comes along with it. This month sales on shop.barnnerd.com have been great and despite YouTube screwing up the transition from Fullscreen (My old YouTube network) and losing some revenue at least I’m still getting a paycheck for which I am grateful. So the truth is I really don’t have much to complain about yet I still have trouble sleeping, I still have trouble functioning and I still have trouble deriving joy from life.
I’ve seen Star Wars – The Force Awakens twice and even got to see the premiere with my good friend Dan (Mr. Repzion on YouTube) which should have been amazingly joyful events but I found myself not really enjoying the movie (despite everyone else praising it heavily) and I’m starting to think perhaps it’s just my depression blinding me to the joy to be found. I’m not saying it was a bad movie, I just didn’t enjoy it like I had expected to and I think that comes from feeling obligated to do everything and never feeling like anything is a spontaneous and undocumented action anymore.
My New Years resolution this year is to stop holding on so tight and stop taking feedback so critically. I’m going to try and take my own advise and focus on what matters the most in life and not let all the hundreds of little things shake me. I’m going to try and recover from this depression enough that I can actually enjoy the holidays with my family instead of feeling the constant stress and anxiety of giving them a good Christmas and ultimately robbing them from the real experience.
We have a trip planned for Disney Land (Xanders first real vacation) in the next few months and I hope to be able to just enjoy that trip. I want to take the time to focus on my son and my wife and leave YouTube and the internet behind during that week. I might still post a picture here and there but the focus is going to be on enjoying the experience rather than sharing it or documenting it.
I really need to focus on the balance between living life and supporting life (personal vs. business in other words). Right now being self employed I’ve found that I never really stop working. Every single thing I do and every single decision I make is some how ties to the act of being self-employed. I miss just going to work and then clocking out in the afternoon and not thinking about work again until the alarm clock goes off the next day. I can honestly say I haven’t ever let go and just had fun in months as a result.
The support you guys give me is amazing, you the person still reading are the reason that I keep doing this. You’re the reason I want to find that balance and continue to make entertaining and educational content sharing my life with you. You’re the reason I haven’t just closed down shop and went back to a programming job at a fortune 500 tech company. You’re the reason I can support my family so I don’t have to worry about losing my house or my car. I want you to know that I love each and every one of you that selflessly support what I do and send me positive vibes. Without you guys who knows where I would be right now.
If you feel in any way similar to how I feel above know that it will pass. I experience this every single year and it always gets better during the first week or so of January. I realize this is something I should have vlogged about but I really didn’t want to create another video that gets 500,000+ views that is really just a cry for help. I feel like placing this in my BLOG puts a lot less pressure on me and allows me to share my feelings with my closest followers. You guys are great, sorry if reading this got you down. I just wanted you to know why I’m being ‘cranky’ on social media and potentially in any videos you may have watched recently. Don’t give up on me, just weather the storm with me and know it will pass.
Also many of you know I lost my kitty ‘Hannah’ a few months ago. I had to have her put to sleep and held her in my arms while she took her last breath. I felt I owed it to her to end her pain and suffering however the moment and memory of that event still haunts me daily. My son also keeps talking about her every few days and it really pulls at my heart strings. I didn’t realize just how close that cat and I were until I lost her. No matter what people say she was my other child and she can never be replaced. I’m trying to work on a project to make an urn for her ashes and I plan to make a video on that because I want to preserve that memory of laying her to rest and hopefully once that is done I can finally move on. It’s amazing how attached we as humans can get to our little fur babies.
The last thing I want to say is that I want to live. I want to get better, I want to feel happy, I want to feel successful, I want to be an amazing husband to my wife and amazing father to my son. The only way that is going to happen is if I start accepting myself for who I am and start rebuilding the confidence in myself that I’ve lost over the last year from all the negativity I’ve been exposed to online doing this full time. The internet is a very toxic place and the stuff you’re exposed to is not unlike radiation, it builds up to a point after a while where it starts to kill you inside and the only way to make it better is to distance yourself from it to give your body and mind time to recover. I think that is what I’ve been denying myself and need to work on in 2016 is finding those times to allow my body and mind to properly heal between bouts of exposure.
R.I.P my Hannah girl…
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