Depression during Holidays…

Hey Guys,

Today I woke up in a piss poor mood and if I’m honest with myself I have not been able to shake it off. It seems like every year I get depressed around the Holidays but this year is a bit different. I feel like I’m a failure and I have no future despite all the data showing the opposite. I feel like that I don’t deserve to have a great family that supports me the way that they do. For some reason this time of year brings on a self loathing that I can’t explain and despite being aware of it I feel powerless to shake it.

I haven’t slept well in almost a month. I literally close my eyes every single night and I’m greeted with horrible nightmares surrounding my present and future. I honestly get to the point where I’m afraid to go to sleep and sit up watching NetFlix until like 3-4am until exhaustion and Benedryl (over the counter anti-histamine) finally take hold and force me to sleep. After a while this lack of sleep and energy leads to a place where you find it hard to even roll out of bed in the morning.

This morning I woke up around 7am and could not get back to sleep and finally drug my ass out of bed around 10am. I didn’t sleep at all during those 3 hours, I just stared at the wall and panicked about anything and everything.

I’m damn lucky to have a wife and kid that loves me no matter what because I feel like I’m a drain on them. I feel selfish for being around and forcing them to have to deal with this depression along with me. I am eternally grateful though that they love me enough to stick it out with me each and every year even when it’s getting progressively worse.

I don’t know what compelled me to write in my BLOG but I feel it might have something to do with it being easier to type my thoughts then share them in videos sometimes. I find that camera incredibly judgmental and intimidating this time of year. For some reason I care what people think, I care what their critiques are and I take everything with a boulder rather than a grain of salt so to speak.

You guys have been amazing, despite the few people that derive joy from trying to screw with me constantly the vast majority of my supporters enjoy what I do and support what I do to a point that makes me want to keep doing it despite the depression and anxiety that comes along with it. This month sales on shop.barnnerd.com have been great and despite YouTube screwing up the transition from Fullscreen (My old YouTube network) and losing some revenue at least I’m still getting a paycheck for which I am grateful. So the truth is I really don’t have much to complain about yet I still have trouble sleeping, I still have trouble functioning and I still have trouble deriving joy from life.

I’ve seen Star Wars – The Force Awakens twice and even got to see the premiere with my good friend Dan (Mr. Repzion on YouTube) which should have been amazingly joyful events but I found myself not really enjoying the movie (despite everyone else praising it heavily) and I’m starting to think perhaps it’s just my depression blinding me to the joy to be found. I’m not saying it was a bad movie, I just didn’t enjoy it like I had expected to and I think that comes from feeling obligated to do everything and never feeling like anything is a spontaneous and undocumented action anymore.

My New Years resolution this year is to stop holding on so tight and stop taking feedback so critically. I’m going to try and take my own advise and focus on what matters the most in life and not let all the hundreds of little things shake me. I’m going to try and recover from this depression enough that I can actually enjoy the holidays with my family instead of feeling the constant stress and anxiety of giving them a good Christmas and ultimately robbing them from the real experience.

We have a trip planned for Disney Land (Xanders first real vacation) in the next few months and I hope to be able to just enjoy that trip. I want to take the time to focus on my son and my wife and leave YouTube and the internet behind during that week. I might still post a picture here and there but the focus is going to be on enjoying the experience rather than sharing it or documenting it.

I really need to focus on the balance between living life and supporting life (personal vs. business in other words). Right now being self employed I’ve found that I never really stop working. Every single thing I do and every single decision I make is some how ties to the act of being self-employed. I miss just going to work and then clocking out in the afternoon and not thinking about work again until the alarm clock goes off the next day. I can honestly say I haven’t ever let go and just had fun in months as a result.

The support you guys give me is amazing, you the person still reading are the reason that I keep doing this. You’re the reason I want to find that balance and continue to make entertaining and educational content sharing my life with you. You’re the reason I haven’t just closed down shop and went back to a programming job at a fortune 500 tech company. You’re the reason I can support my family so I don’t have to worry about losing my house or my car. I want you to know that I love each and every one of you that selflessly support what I do and send me positive vibes. Without you guys who knows where I would be right now.

If you feel in any way similar to how I feel above know that it will pass. I experience this every single year and it always gets better during the first week or so of January. I realize this is something I should have vlogged about but I really didn’t want to create another video that gets 500,000+ views that is really just a cry for help. I feel like placing this in my BLOG puts a lot less pressure on me and allows me to share my feelings with my closest followers. You guys are great, sorry if reading this got you down. I just wanted you to know why I’m being ‘cranky’ on social media and potentially in any videos you may have watched recently. Don’t give up on me, just weather the storm with me and know it will pass.

Also many of you know I lost my kitty ‘Hannah’ a few months ago. I had to have her put to sleep and held her in my arms while she took her last breath. I felt I owed it to her to end her pain and suffering however the moment and memory of that event still haunts me daily. My son also keeps talking about her every few days and it really pulls at my heart strings. I didn’t realize just how close that cat and I were until I lost her. No matter what people say she was my other child and she can never be replaced. I’m trying to work on a project to make an urn for her ashes and I plan to make a video on that because I want to preserve that memory of laying her to rest and hopefully once that is done I can finally move on. It’s amazing how attached we as humans can get to our little fur babies.

The last thing I want to say is that I want to live. I want to get better, I want to feel happy, I want to feel successful, I want to be an amazing husband to my wife and amazing father to my son. The only way that is going to happen is if I start accepting myself for who I am and start rebuilding the confidence in myself that I’ve lost over the last year from all the negativity I’ve been exposed to online doing this full time. The internet is a very toxic place and the stuff you’re exposed to is not unlike radiation, it builds up to a point after a while where it starts to kill you inside and the only way to make it better is to distance yourself from it to give your body and mind time to recover. I think that is what I’ve been denying myself and need to work on in 2016 is finding those times to allow my body and mind to properly heal between bouts of exposure.

R.I.P my Hannah girl…

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17 thoughts on “Depression during Holidays…

  1. I know exactly what it’s like. I have been severly depressed and in constant pain for a little over a year now. I’, just getting closer and closer to giving up. I am currently in therapy and i have promised my therapist to not do anything stupid, but sometimes it’s really hard, and i really get to this super dark place every now and again when i just crash. I feel like i have tried for so long but nothing has changed no mather how hard i’ve tried. I just see darkness in the future. I don’t even remember what it’s like to be happy anymore. The hardest part is going through this alone. I know i have a therapist but it’s not really the same.

    It’s awesome to see that you are so incredibly lucky to have such an amazing family that is always by your side and support you through everything. You of all people truly deserves it. I’m glad to see that even through all of this you still have a positive view of your future. You are one of few people on youtube who seem to be a genuinely amazing person. I wish you all the best and really hope you get through this holiday in one piece. And of course, Merry Christmas And A Happy New Year!

    1. barn, I had to say good buy to my sweet girl Roxie this year. I know how hard it is. Having an urn with her ashes is a great way to celebrate her. For Christmas this year we have a wreath hanging over our fireplace that has winged ornaments of our sweet kids that have walked over the rainbow bridge. Just typing this brings tears. It gets easier bro. Hang tough! I’ll post a photo on Twitter of the wreath.

  2. just remember.. “only way to feel the warmth of the sun is to take off your coat its hard for someone in the depths depression to find the zipper so best thing is to turn to the person closest to you and be willing to allow that person to take that on them… but they can only do the zipper… its still on you to pull the coat off. but once you do the warmth that has been shining on you will be able to reach all the way to your soul”. Moral of the story is… the love is there, you may be able to see it, you know its all around you, but you wont FEEL it until you just drop everything and put your self out naked and allow it to punch all the way through.

  3. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. I know how it feels to get depressed or stressed “because of nothing” and have experienced it a lot. Just try to calm down, get some tea, etc. What you need is to rest, go have fun 🙂

  4. Hey Barnacules… I’m in the same boat as yourself.

    Suffered from acute anxiety/stress disorder for the last 17yrs (im 32!) and until about 4yrs ago would feel the same as you do now.

    Every year the same thing happened. Days got shorter and my mood dropped rapidly. Then once January/February came around I felt better and like a new person. Reading up on this I come across a story about SAD (seasonal affective disorder) which opened my eyes.

    Have a read up on it as you might find some solace and methods of managing it out there. I’ve now got a light box that I use daily that helps and just knowing why u feel like u do is a big help too.

    If u need a like minded person to chat to about things or just to ramble please let me know (@jongilluley on Twitter) as I found a person to talk to who I didn’t know that well was a great help!

  5. Jerry, you thinking your wife and son deserve a better husband/father is complete and utter bullshit. They will NEVER find a better husband and father than you. You are an awesome man. I wish I could be half as good as you. Love you man. Godspeed and merry Christmas and happy New Year buddy. You’re a great man

  6. I’ve been feeling a bit down lately because I haven’t been able to find a job (been trying for months)

    I just want to say thank you for your vídeos because they help cheer me up!.
    I hope 2016 is 10x or more better than 2015 was for all of us and I hope you have a great time during Christmas holidays with friends and family!

  7. dear jerry, you are certainly not a failiure. infact you have never failed to make me smile, with innuendos jokes and informative videos inbetween, you always give me a new memory, a good laugh or something to think about. You are the best around! you are the only jerry! the funny 3D printing enthusiast that cares about his fans!

  8. What I heard you say is this. You have learned that you can support yourself making educational and entertaining content, but the emotional cost is too high. You’ve lost your balance between living life and supporting life (personal vs. business). Every moment, action, and decision ties to the act of being self-employed. You want a future that is more financially predictable and stable. And, miss the regular work hours and predictable paycheck from a programming job at a Fortune 500 tech company. Also, you want to derive more joy from your personal life. And, rebuild confidence in yourself by distancing yourself from exposure to the toxic Internet negativity.

    Perhaps your depression and anxiety are actually useful symptoms trying get your attention and tell you something? You now know you can be successfully self-employed! Maybe another programming job at a tech company is not so bad at this time? A regular work week and paycheck provide some breathing room (and sleep) to better evaluate your self-employment experience. It would let you decide how you want embrace your creativity and social media outlets going forward. Best wishes!

  9. I have really bad Depression and Anxiety and back in July I lost my mother and have been in such a dark place since then. It was not good before but now its bad. All that being said somehow I drag myself out of bed everyday. I tell myself not to try to be completely happy because its unattainable for me so I just go for being content not very happy but not very depressed. Playing the middle somehow has worked for me. Of course I have bad days to damn many actually but I stay Content enough not to do something stupid. These are just my thoughts and what has worked for me. best of luck Jerry! Love your videos!

  10. I remember, 3 years ago when I found this completely crazy guy on youtube, which was playing Battlefield 3 on its completely crazy system with three 46 inches screens in his room named “man cave” and this guy was desktop developer like I was about to study for my diploma in software development, so I logically have smashed the subscribe button.

    then the time pass, his youtube channel grown and now he got 50000 subscribers and 5 million views, and he make this video where he wrote to his future in 10 years, it was in January 2014 (https: //goo.gl/LoCLGm). he explains to his future himself that he has a great youtube channel, he works at Microsoft and wonders if there will always be working in 10 years.

    Unfortunately six months later, Microsoft decides to fired. But this guy is awesome, he decided to make youtube videos full-time and spend more time with his family.

    it’s has been one and a half years since, and now this guy has 617k subscribers and 58 million views, but the most impressive is that every Thursday he does this incredible show with his buddy and JayzTwoCents even if the show is 3am for me and many people in Europe, I still watch it every week because that guy is awesome. In the chat you can see so many people have been inspired by this guy, people have created youtube channel, people have got their IT diploma or get their life back on feet by watching videos of him.

    his youtube channel have 498 videos for now, including one where he #peeingSittingDownFTW while flying a quadcopter, and sooooo many people love that.

    And today this guy is dealing with depression and think it is a failure and has no future.

    according to these words, he wants to feel happy, feel successful, and be a father and husband incredible.

    summarize his journey : if it was a city in my country (France) with these 617k subscribers it would be the 3rd largest city, his son is great because he takes care of him LIKE A BOSS and he is doing everything possible so that this continues.

    the name of this awesome crazy guy ? barnacules …. OH WAIT… THAT YOU JERRY !

    never give up, never forget that for a troll there are literally thousands of peoples who support you and your awesome channel, never forget that you inspired people like a superstar.

    I never comment your videos on youtube, I made some donations on techtalk because those green box are so cool 😉 but today i want write to you a thank you for those 490″ish” videos, for all this content and the time and effort you put on this.

  11. Hello Jerry! You see, it’s perfectly clear to me that you really have what it takes to be an extremely successeful content creator, whether it’s on Youtube or any other plateform. You have the knowledge, the humor, the passion, and even a really nice radio sounding voice ! 🙂 But I’m really starting to think that even though it’s something you’re extremely good at, it doesn’t mean that you were meant for this. Depression can be caused by a lot of factors, but sometimes, not always but sometimes, depression can be a sign that you’re not on the right path, and that you need to change a situation in your life that is just keeping you in a depressed state, despite the medication, the therapies, etc. And based on what you’ve said so far about your depresssion, my best guess is that all the stress related to running a youtube channel, generating enough money to support your family, and having to face the ferocious criticism from all those negative and weak people who feel better by destroying other people, might just be the main source of your problems. I’m pretty sure you’ve thought about that yourself though.

    Who knows, maybe over time, you’ll get better at coping with all these things. But if nothing change and if you realize that all your thoughts just keep revolving around the things I just mentionned, no matter what you do, well… it could be a sign that it’s in your best interest to take another path. Very, very often, the change needed to overcome depression is inside the person, but sometimes, it’s in deed outside.

    I sincerely wish you the best of luck Jerry! No doubt in my mind everthing will turn out great for you ! 🙂

  12. Jerry,

    I know the feeling to feel ‘nothing’. You’re doing great but I think that it is the best to search a job. Not because you need it to survive, but to feel better again. Its like you’re saying: the work never stops when you work for yourself. I know that it its maybe not what you want to hear right now (I understand), but take you’re time to think about it. Maybe it’s the solution to be happy again or the start of a more structured life :).
    You’re doing well Jerry, you really do :).

  13. I’ve watched you for years, and you were much happier when working at Microsoft! I honestly think the working from home thing is not for you, and you should see if you can get another job or go back to MS (I remember you saying they made an offer to take you back at another position, maybe try that again?).

    You seem very similar to me, you have to be accomplishing meaningful goals to be happy. I dont think making entertainment youtube videos is really satisfying you. You seemed much more happy having a real job, doing real productive things. Dont get me wrong, I know youtube takes work and can make great money, but some people need to be creating and working on productive things to feel happy, I know I do. Plus it gets you out of the house, talking to real people daily, and doing all sorts of different things and goals. I know when I was unemployed and not getting out I was feeling very similarly to you. Its funny I also lost my cat during that time as well. You just need to keep moving forward, let the past be and keep going!

    I think you should shift back into a full time job, and put youtube on the back burner, turn it into a hobby again. I honestly think it would work wonders for you.

  14. Hey there Jerry, I find myself in the same boat, but I have come to recognize a few things. When depression has me in its choke hold, all I can do is survive. I have to survive, no matter how hard it is. I have also realized that there can be triggers though that can cause it to release. Valerian root has proven to be one of these triggers in my case (herbal sedative) where I can chill out enough to relax and actually sleep. Other things that speak to your heart can be triggers, like in my case, music, a movie, etc. It tends to be different every time, but once the depression breaks loose, you have to capitalize on it.

    Melatonin works great for sleep too for me, but it doesn’t have the mood altering aspect of valeria root. Running both together may even do the trick, because they both work different ways to do the same way. Valerian puts me in a happy place, Melatonin just makes me want to go to sleep.

    Then again, maybe writing this blog could have been your trigger, and it’s all better now. Wouldn’t that be awesome?

  15. Hi Jerry,

    I won’t write a lot here, I have been suffering another depression bout over the past 4 months, finally getting to see a specialist. This is not a good time of year, but meds and specialist help does make a difference, for me anyway. I truly wish you the best here and hope you start feeling better soon. Nothing much of what others have to say will truly help you, but your positive thoughts will.
    Good luck !!

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