I am in the process of cleaning up my computer (William) so I can clean install Windows 10 prior to an upgrade my computer is getting tomorrow at Puget Systems. I’ve been finding tons of old stuff in my old backup folders while trying to free up space to store ‘important things’ and I found an old script for a video I was going to shoot in 2013. This is the only script I ever wrote and I completely forgot about it. This video never actually happened but after reading the script I’m still tempted to make it, let me know what you think via tweet (@Barnacules) or in the comments on this blog.**
** I’m still tempted to polish this up and actually shoot it at some point 😛
Title: How to Build an Epic Gaming Laptop from Scratch!
- Make sure you’re wearing the same cloths in every scene (even if shot over a couple of days)
- Make sure hair is brushed back the same way
Act 1: Present the build
Background Image> Title of video with pictures of laptops, tablets, and some random things like Atari 2600 and a rotissary pig in the background.
Music> Play infomercial jingle in background
Shot> Show Netbook, Thinkpad and MacBook Pro
Sales Person> Are you sick and tired of paying huge $$$ for such a puny pathetic so called laptop computers?
Shot> Change to Jerry shaking head ‘Yes’
Shot> Back to Sales person showing tablets
Sales Person> Do you find that so called tablet PC’s are just rich people drink coasters?
Shot> Change to Jerry with a drink on his iPad & Nexus 7, Jerry shaking head ‘Yes’
Jerry> Well… “looks down at coaster/nexus 7″… Yeah!
Shot> Back to Sales person
Sales Person> Would you be interested if I said you could build your own epic gaming laptop on the cheap that is better then all that other shit combined!
Shot> Back to Jerry acting out the biggest YES emote ever!
Jerry> FUCK YEAH!!!!
Sales Person> Well then, let’s stop fucking around and get this shit built!
Act 2: Gathering Materials
Background> Gathering materials, picture of me rooting through garbage! with title being “Gathering Materials”
Music> Play some Tetris music in the background
Narrator> First we’re going to need a few things to make this happen.
Shot> Pan to garbage can at end of driveway…
Narrator> First we’re going to need an epic desktop computer for parts! You can often find these in the garbage cans of rich neighbors.
Shot> Hand pulling Dell desktop computer out of garbage can
Jerry> Wow, I never would have guessed! Thanks voice inside my head!
Narrator> You’re welcome, but You’re also going to need a few more things like a Keyboard, LCD monitor, speakers, UPS and a wireless access point… but not to worry those wasteful richers throw all this stuff out too! Just check the trash can again…
Shot> Jerry pulling the rest of the hardware out of the garbage can
Jerry> Oh wow, you’re right!
Narrator> Okay, now you better get the hell out of there before they call the cops!
Jerry> Looks worried, runs away holding everything in his arms.
ACT 3: Final Preperation
Shot> Pile of obtained hardware laid out on the floor with Jerry sitting in front of it
Narrator> Okay, you didn’t get arrested and that’s the most important step. But we’ll need a few more things laying around the house.
Jerry> Like what?
Narrator> I’m glad you asked, first find a roll of duct tape, we’re going to need a lot of it!
Shot> Jerry grabbing duct tape from some place in the garage
Narrator> Now we’re going to need a blow torch.
Shot> Jerrys Face (Surprised)
Jerry> What the fuck?
Narrator> Nah, I’m just kidding…
Narrator> But seriously, get a blow torch… Just in-case…
Shot> Jerry grabbing blow torch from garage.
Shot> Show everything including duct tape and blow torch laid out on the ground with Jerry sitting in front of it.
Narrator> You did good kid, now let’s proceed to construct the most epic, oober, elite, n00b banging, troll raping, laptop of a computer ever conceived by human kind!
ACT 4: Build it
Background> “Let’s build it!” with picture of me in the background holding a blow torch to a hard drive while making a crazy face!
Music> Start playing MacGyver music in background
Shot> Montage of assembly – Start with desktop computer, place UPS on top of it and duct tape the shit out of it, place display on top of UPS and duct tape the shit out of it, tape the keyboard on the front and tape the access point to the back of the computer and duct tape everything including the slack in the cables, end with firing up the blow torch and putting it on the prongs at the end of the power cable and waving it across the computer case (for no reason but to confuse people)
Narrator> Give directions on what to do each step of the way
Music> Heavy Metal Music
Shot> Pan the new epic laptop in to view fully assembled.
Narrator> You did good! Just look at that bitch, if that isn’t majestic as fuck I don’t know what is!
Shot> Jerry giving Thumbs up!
Narrator> Now that you’re laptop is complete plug it in and let it charge!
Shot> Plugging it into wall
Shot> Accelerated video of microwave with timer counting down cooking a hamburger
Shot> Accelerated video of Jerry eating hamburger
Shot> Cooking another hamburger
Shot> eating the 2nd hamburger
Shot> Sitting on toilet
ACT 5: Lets try it out
Shot> Show laptop on desk in front of 3 46″ screens on Man Cave computer
Narrator> That is a thing of beauty, look how it blends in seamlessly in your Man Cave
Shot> Jerry’s face looking disappointed
Shot> Back to Laptop
Narrator> Let’s fire it up and try it out!
Shot> Turning on UPS
Shot> Pushing power button
Shot> Show system booting
Narrator> If you smell smoke or see fire it probably means you fucked up somewhere, but no worries most home owners insurrance covers shit like this… I think…
Shot> Pan out to include Jerry sitting in chair and laptop booted
Jerry> “Open internet explorer and navigate to Facebook!” – Holy shit, it works!
ACT 6: Going mobile
Shot> Jerry holding computer in front of him looking at camera (waste up)
Narrator> Now that you have your epic gaming laptop built and tested let’s take this bitch out for a test drive!
Shot> Walking out front door with computer in hands “Act like you’re having trouble carrying it”
Narrator> Let’s try it lounging in the sun!
Shot> Sitting in lounge chair on lawn next to tree with laptop on my lap booted up and running something
Narrator> How awesome is that! You built that man, I bet you’re feeling awefully proud!
Shot> Jerry looking confused and disappointed (rolling eyes)
Narrator> C’mon don’t be like that…
Narrator> Okay, let’s try something else. Let’s try it in the car!
Shot> Shot of me loading it into passenger seat
Shot> Be sitting in drivers seat with camera point across me to the laptop
Narrator> Open Bing Maps and get directions to the nearest buffet!
Jerry> Awesome! “Type in Bing Maps and Seach for Buffet” and select one!
Jerry> This works awesome! Thanks mysterious voice.
Narrator> You’re welcome, thanks for beleiving a strange voice inside your head this is how great things start!
Shot> Fade to next scene
Narrator> You’re battery is probably getting a little low right now since this thing only has the battery life of an iPhone 5 so we need to deal with that.
Shot> Jerry’s face
Jerry> But how can we charge it without being on the power grid?
Shot> Pan to generator
Narrator> This awesome laptop you just built is powered by GASOLINE!
Shot> Jerry’s face
Jerry> NO FUCKING WAY!
Narrator> Way dude!
Shot> Pan shot to show laptop duct taped to top of generator sitting in the yard
Shot> Jerry walks over and fires up the generator
Shot> Tighten closer to laptop on top of generator
Shot> Jerry turning on UPS and firing up PC
Shot> Put chair in front of generator and PC and start playing a video game
Jerry> To hell with the Man Cave beast computer, this is the new coolest thing I own. Thank you creepy voice inside my head.
Narrator: You’re welcome! If you need any more great ideas just chug another bottle of NyQuil and spin in circles for about 15 to 20 minutes and you should be able to hear me again!
Shot> Jerry hugging the laptop on top of the generator
Shot> Fade out…
ACT 7: Overview
Shot> Show laptop sitting on floor with macbook, thinkpad, ipad, nexus 7, macbook air, etc all surrounding it on the floor.
Narrator> This epic gaming laptop can eat all this other shit for breakfast, brunch, lunch, snack, dinner, desert and before bedtime desert combined!
Shot> Transition to scale showing weight of computer
Narrator> It only weighs in at [insert pounds here] and you’re a fucking pussy if you can’t carry that around comfortably!
Shot> Show picture of Kilowatt power draw from the whole computer
Narrator> It doesn’t use shit for power either, hell it runs on fucking gasoline so you don’t even need to use any power at all. Now that’s greener then shit right there! You might even get a tax deduction! Never hurts to try right, the IRS is pretty nice about tax mistakes… right?
Shot> Fade to disclaimer sign graphic and a picture of me at the bottom holding computer over my head.
Voice> Disclaimer, the voice inside Jerry’s head might be smarter then the voice inside your head so proceed with caution. Jerry is a professional nerd and only was hurt several times during the making of this video. Kids, don’t try this at home… Unless you want too then who am I to tell you anything, it’s not like I’m your legal guardian or anything… But seriously, don’t blame me if the laptop falls on you and kills you from it’s epic impressive weight. Or if you get electrocuted. If you do manage to build one please share it in the comments below, who knows maybe the voices inside our heads can collaborate on a future project…
Shot> Picture of me holding computer over my head!
What do you guys think? Would this have been a funny video for Barnacules Nerdgasm? Let me know…
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