So, it’s pretty apparent that I haven’t been posting new videos for several weeks. Many of you have contacted me asking if I’m alright. I’ve been on a hell of a roller-coaster this last month and it’s been a downward spiral that has been building for a long time starting over a year ago when Microsoft laid me off after a 15 year career. I’ve been in a deep depression that I’ve tried to treat with medication (Lexipro, Welbutran & Cymbalta) but I find that where the medications help they often has side effects that are as bad or worse then the condition I’m trying to cure.
If you guys follow me on social media you know that recently I lost a dear friend of mine (http://www.gofundme.com/JasonRIP) and it came as a shock since he had just successfully recovered from stage 4 rectal cancer. That’s right, he was cancer free and on the mend when he was taken from us by a complication from an operation he had that caused his stomach to collapse. I went to his memorial this past weekend and it was absolutely beautiful and it really changed my line of thinking about life.
The way I see it now is that life is a precious thing that is given to us and can be taken away at any given moment. It could be a car crash, falling off a cliff or a medical issue but in the end each day we have is precious and wasting it in a depressive slump is nothing short of a waste. It took me over a year and one of my best friends dying to make me realize this. I mean ‘really’ realize it, not just know it to be true but to deep down understand it at my core.
Yesterday while sitting at my desk ranting on my personal Facebook on many topics ranging from extreme religious people causing trouble or political BS something happened. I had a little break down and just realized that I’ve become a hateful and vengeful person. Something that I had never been before in my life. Where I used to be a loving, funny, compassionate and off the deep end hyper active person (watch my videos from 1+ year ago) now I find that I’m very easily affected by negativity online and the exposure to the constant hate online has pulled me and started to make me almost ‘evil’.
Once I really thought about this and let it set in I realized that I’m not making videos because I’m not passionate or fun loving anymore. I’m not turning on the camera because it feels forced and like I have too instead of me just wanting to share some quarky crazy shit with you all that I really love and have a deep passion for. I realized that the reason I’m unhappy is because I’m allowing people that hate me to cut in the front of the line of the people that love me and that can only lead to me being miserable as they are, and HAS!
Between dealing with fraud, hacking, attacks, threats and people just telling me that I’m living my life wrong or I’m a fat piece of shit every day has actually made me start caring about what these ‘nobodies’ think and it’s become toxic and contributed to my deeper depression and larger bouts of anxiety. Instead of recognizing the problems and dealing with them directly I decided to go the medication route and it did work in some cases and drastically reduced my depression but also really took my personality down a tick in the process and also had many side effects like excessive sweating and constant exhaustion which in themselves are very depressing things.
Medication is important to people that need it to get through life, I recognize that and hugely respect it. But I’ve come to the realization after trying to so many meds that it’s just not for me. I need to focus on attacking the root cause of the problem instead of treating the symptoms so that I can get back to the fun loving person my wife married and my kid loves and all my fans appreciate and just ignore the haters and let them suffer on their own.
So today I’m vowing to stop responding or fueling negativity on the internet. That Nicole Arbour lady that has a heart full of hate and a mind full of misguided ambitions can do whatever she wants. I don’t care and this is the last time you’ll hear about her from me (well accept in my upcoming vlog for a sentence or two :P). I need to stop responding to the hate and start responding to my heart like I always used to.
I woke up this morning happy and recharged after having this realization yesterday. The truth is I didn’t build a half-million subscriber YouTube channel on hate. I did it on love, passion, drive and excitement which are things good people resonate with. If I let the evil take over my heart and just complain and apologize for who I am constantly I will eventually join that group of people I don’t even want watching my stuff to begin with and that isn’t fair to myself or the rest of you that have supported me and stood by my side because you liked who I was.
So in a nut shell starting today I’m going to stop worrying about my diet, I’m going to stop worrying about exercise, I’m going to stop worrying about what people think of me or what they think I’m doing right or doing wrong. I’m going to just do what Jerry does and attract the audience that resonates with that and hopefully start to drive away the audience that has fueled that toxicity. There is no escaping hate on the internet, be it from jealousy, racism, sexism, fat shaming or some other new found way to diminish peoples self-confidence to make low lives feel important it’s not going away any time soon. So starting yesterday I am no longer going to respond to negativity, I will simply block, ban, mute, delete and move on. I am no longer going to respond to negative YouTube comments and I will simply delete them if they become too toxic or take over the top comments in the video. I am going to return to doing what I want to do when I want to do it and enjoying every minute of life like I did before I let anyone get to me.
Now just to be completely clear I still want to lose weight, I’m at 281lb right now down from 308lb and that is a huge goal, but I’m not going to let that define me and my methods for getting there will change constantly and my depression to keep me happy and depression free. And if someone wants to tell me I’m doing it wrong or I’m going to die when I’m 60 because of it my response to them will be I will die happy at 60 knowing I enjoyed my life, had fun, entertained people and woke up happy and excited every day. I will take that over living to be 100 knowing I’m a hate filled asshole that judges everyone else and is more worried about how I influence other people then how I influence myself.
If you want to lose weight, lose weight, if you want to eat what you want, eat what you want! If you want to be an evil little shit that trolls people on the internet and tries to bring them to the dark side go head, it will have zero impact on me moving forward from this point on and you will be only robbing yourself of having a happy life yourself. The truth is with all the anti-depressants, sleeping pills, pain medication, etc I was doing 10x more harm to my body then I was having a few extra pounds on me and for some reason I completely ignored that fact since I really just wanted to lose weight and make people proud of me.
The most healthy and important thing in your life should be your own personal happiness. And don’t let other people influence what things make you happy because ultimately you will be living for someone else and not yourself and you will be robbing the people that accepted you for who and what you are from the person they came to love and support.
So starting right now folks the old Jerry is back. I’m going to create a vlog, unbox some subscription boxes and post endless funny shit to my social networks. I am going to ignore and block hate out and embrace love and fun. I’m going to spend more time with my family as the man they knew and not the man I have become. And if you think this immediately makes me a failure because I’m not doing what you think I should be doing then find that ‘unfollow’ or ‘unsubscribe’ button and please click it and never look back. If you’re more worried about judging me and changing the course of my life then enjoying the ride with me then you need to get the fuck out of the car! 😀
I love you all, please welcome the old Jerry Berg (aka. Barnacules) back to YouTube. The name calling, shaming and negativity ends here and I’m going to fuel my future by giving copious amounts of fucks to the people that matter and taking all of the fucks away from the people that don’t. So if you say something negative on Social Networking, YouTube or Email and you don’t get a response, don’t be surprised. It just means you were not worth of a fuck!
Also just as another quick update I’m in the process of getting off Cymbalta, it’s a great drug for treating depression and anxiety and if you feel you need to go that route ask your doctor about it. Seems to work the best for me out of the 3 I’ve tried but it does have the side effect of feeling tired (some people claim it goes away, it didn’t for me) and it does increase sweating so if that is already an issue for you avoid it. But if you think of suicide (like I did) and can’t shut the negativity out give it a try!
Feels good to be back! Love you all… Even the negative people that finally helped me really discover this realization!
Please donate to Jason Lawhead’s family if you can. They need all the help they can get right now since they didn’t have much money or good insurance after a year of stuggling with Cancer before Jason lost his life. Every little bit helps! http://gofundme.com/jasonRIP
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