Time to get the old Jerry back, because the new Jerry sucks!

Hey Guys,

So, it’s pretty apparent that I haven’t been posting new videos for several weeks. Many of you have contacted me asking if I’m alright. I’ve been on a hell of a roller-coaster this last month and it’s been a downward spiral that has been building for a long time starting over a year ago when Microsoft laid me off after a 15 year career. I’ve been in a deep depression that I’ve tried to treat with medication (Lexipro, Welbutran & Cymbalta) but I find that where the medications help they often has side effects that are as bad or worse then the condition I’m trying to cure.

If you guys follow me on social media you know that recently I lost a dear friend of mine (http://www.gofundme.com/JasonRIP) and it came as a shock since he had just successfully recovered from stage 4 rectal cancer. That’s right, he was cancer free and on the mend when he was taken from us by a complication from an operation he had that caused his stomach to collapse. I went to his memorial this past weekend and it was absolutely beautiful and it really changed my line of thinking about life.

The way I see it now is that life is a precious thing that is given to us and can be taken away at any given moment. It could be a car crash, falling off a cliff or a medical issue but in the end each day we have is precious and wasting it in a depressive slump is nothing short of a waste. It took me over a year and one of my best friends dying to make me realize this. I mean ‘really’ realize it, not just know it to be true but to deep down understand it at my core.

Yesterday while sitting at my desk ranting on my personal Facebook on many topics ranging from extreme religious people causing trouble or political BS something happened. I had a little break down and just realized that I’ve become a hateful and vengeful person. Something that I had never been before in my life. Where I used to be a loving, funny, compassionate and off the deep end hyper active person (watch my videos from 1+ year ago) now I find that I’m very easily affected by negativity online and the exposure to the constant hate online has pulled me and started to make me almost ‘evil’.

Once I really thought about this and let it set in I realized that I’m not making videos because I’m not passionate or fun loving anymore. I’m not turning on the camera because it feels forced and like I have too instead of me just wanting to share some quarky crazy shit with you all that I really love and have a deep passion for. I realized that the reason I’m unhappy is because I’m allowing people that hate me to cut in the front of the line of the people that love me and that can only lead to me being miserable as they are, and HAS!

Between dealing with fraud, hacking, attacks, threats and people just telling me that I’m living my life wrong or I’m a fat piece of shit every day has actually made me start caring about what these ‘nobodies’ think and it’s become toxic and contributed to my deeper depression and larger bouts of anxiety. Instead of recognizing the problems and dealing with them directly I decided to go the medication route and it did work in some cases and drastically reduced my depression but also really took my personality down a tick in the process and also had many side effects like excessive sweating and constant exhaustion which in themselves are very depressing things.

Medication is important to people that need it to get through life, I recognize that and hugely respect it. But I’ve come to the realization after trying to so many meds that it’s just not for me. I need to focus on attacking the root cause of the problem instead of treating the symptoms so that I can get back to the fun loving person my wife married and my kid loves and all my fans appreciate and just ignore the haters and let them suffer on their own.

So today I’m vowing to stop responding or fueling negativity on the internet. That Nicole Arbour lady that has a heart full of hate and a mind full of misguided ambitions can do whatever she wants. I don’t care and this is the last time you’ll hear about her from me (well accept in my upcoming vlog for a sentence or two :P). I need to stop responding to the hate and start responding to my heart like I always used to.

I woke up this morning happy and recharged after having this realization yesterday. The truth is I didn’t build a half-million subscriber YouTube channel on hate. I did it on love, passion, drive and excitement which are things good people resonate with. If I let the evil take over my heart and just complain and apologize for who I am constantly I will eventually join that group of people I don’t even want watching my stuff to begin with and that isn’t fair to myself or the rest of you that have supported me and stood by my side because you liked who I was.

So in a nut shell starting today I’m going to stop worrying about my diet, I’m going to stop worrying about exercise, I’m going to stop worrying about what people think of me or what they think I’m doing right or doing wrong. I’m going to just do what Jerry does and attract the audience that resonates with that and hopefully start to drive away the audience that has fueled that toxicity. There is no escaping hate on the internet, be it from jealousy, racism, sexism, fat shaming or some other new found way to diminish peoples self-confidence to make low lives feel important it’s not going away any time soon. So starting yesterday I am no longer going to respond to negativity, I will simply block, ban, mute, delete and move on. I am no longer going to respond to negative YouTube comments and I will simply delete them if they become too toxic or take over the top comments in the video. I am going to return to doing what I want to do when I want to do it and enjoying every minute of life like I did before I let anyone get to me.

Now just to be completely clear I still want to lose weight, I’m at 281lb right now down from 308lb and that is a huge goal, but I’m not going to let that define me and my methods for getting there will change constantly and my depression to keep me happy and depression free. And if someone wants to tell me I’m doing it wrong or I’m going to die when I’m 60 because of it my response to them will be I will die happy at 60 knowing I enjoyed my life, had fun, entertained people and woke up happy and excited every day. I will take that over living to be 100 knowing I’m a hate filled asshole that judges everyone else and is more worried about how I influence other people then how I influence myself.

If you want to lose weight, lose weight, if you want to eat what you want, eat what you want! If you want to be an evil little shit that trolls people on the internet and tries to bring them to the dark side go head, it will have zero impact on me moving forward from this point on and you will be only robbing yourself of having a happy life yourself. The truth is with all the anti-depressants, sleeping pills, pain medication, etc I was doing 10x more harm to my body then I was having a few extra pounds on me and for some reason I completely ignored that fact since I really just wanted to lose weight and make people proud of me.

The most healthy and important thing in your life should be your own personal happiness. And don’t let other people influence what things make you happy because ultimately you will be living for someone else and not yourself and you will be robbing the people that accepted you for who and what you are from the person they came to love and support.

So starting right now folks the old Jerry is back. I’m going to create a vlog, unbox some subscription boxes and post endless funny shit to my social networks. I am going to ignore and block hate out and embrace love and fun. I’m going to spend more time with my family as the man they knew and not the man I have become. And if you think this immediately makes me a failure because I’m not doing what you think I should be doing then find that ‘unfollow’ or ‘unsubscribe’ button and please click it and never look back. If you’re more worried about judging me and changing the course of my life then enjoying the ride with me then you need to get the fuck out of the car! πŸ˜€

I love you all, please welcome the old Jerry Berg (aka. Barnacules) back to YouTube. The name calling, shaming and negativity ends here and I’m going to fuel my future by giving copious amounts of fucks to the people that matter and taking all of the fucks away from the people that don’t. So if you say something negative on Social Networking, YouTube or Email and you don’t get a response, don’t be surprised. It just means you were not worth of a fuck!

Also just as another quick update I’m in the process of getting off Cymbalta, it’s a great drug for treating depression and anxiety and if you feel you need to go that route ask your doctor about it. Seems to work the best for me out of the 3 I’ve tried but it does have the side effect of feeling tired (some people claim it goes away, it didn’t for me) and it does increase sweating so if that is already an issue for you avoid it. But if you think of suicide (like I did) and can’t shut the negativity out give it a try!

Feels good to be back! Love you all… Even the negative people that finally helped me really discover this realization!

1898063_1015625495128942_157118920337771079_nΒ R.I.P Jason, you will be missed!

Please donate to Jason Lawhead’s family if you can. They need all the help they can get right now since they didn’t have much money or good insurance after a year of stuggling with Cancer before Jason lost his life. Every little bit helps!Β http://gofundme.com/jasonRIP

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21 thoughts on “Time to get the old Jerry back, because the new Jerry sucks!

  1. Hi Jerry! Glad to hear you are happy, that is a good thing πŸ™‚

    I recently had a similar thought on the internet. Our online culture really is hate filled and driven by dragging down others. It’s become really sad to watch as you have said and, like you, I found myself becoming hate filled and bitter as well. I found my first instinct was to resort to a snarky, venomous reply when confronted by an opinion I disagreed with.

    I’ve also decided to try to be a more positive person in my dealings with others and tune out the negative. There’s enough in all our lives to make us anxious and depressed without adding to it by hateful or hurtful comments. We need to be more positive toward each other and boosting each other up instead of tearing each other down. Like wil wheaton says, don’t be a dick πŸ™‚

    Thanks for posting this, I wish you luck in your positive future πŸ™‚

  2. Welcome back. Worry about what the people who love you think and forget the rest. Drive a little faster. Stop and enjoy the beauty around you a little longer.

    1. AWESOME…. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Welcome back and I am looking forward to those funny, entertaining review videos again. You have inspired me to do the same and I refuse to let any form of negativity effect my life!

  3. I work in IT but never been brave enough to try completely new things. But thanks to you and your YouTube channel, I am saving up for a 3dprinter and learning CAd. I have bought a hot glue gun and will be trying some Jerry rigged stuff. Every lunchtime at work, I always watch your videos, it doesnt matter to me that you haven’t put a new video up for a while, as I really enjoy every video you do. As they say quality is way better than quantity. And that is what your channel is quality entertainment. Keep it up Jerry, you rock.

  4. This is great Jerry. I was glad reading that you are happy and found out what works for you.
    Just yesterday I listened on Joe Rogan`s podcast to Jane McGonigal,a game developer, who created a game to deal with her depression that was one of many side effects after a head injury. It was very inspiring listening to her talk.

  5. Welcome back Jerry Berg!!! I love your work on YouTube. Nice to see you taking charge and making positive changes in your life. Life is too short to pay attention to all the negativity on the internet! Just look at all the positivity and love from your fans!! Love you for what you do and Keep rocking on youtube!!! Wish you all the best!!!! Keep the positive energy going!!!

  6. Jerry,
    My name is Bill and I want to say first and foremost Welcome Back to YouTube. I can’t wait to see more videos and in all honesty, when I get depressed I watch them and I feel happy again. I also would like to touch on a few things in my life because I deal with depression too. Living with it is not the easiest thing let me tell ya. I’ve dealt with it throughout my whole childhood and most of my adulthood. I’ve had days where I feel like total and complete shit, (pardon my french,) and there are days where I’m so high in the clouds with happiness that I just don’t want to come down. The past month or so I’ve been kind of in the middle. Not totally down mind you but not exactly up either. A couple of weeks back I was in a danger zone where it took over me and it really scared the living hell out of me. The people that were around me noticed a HUGE change in my demeanor and they got worried. At that point I didn’t care about anything. Not my life, not the people that cared about me, not myself or my job. I didn’t want to do anything. Even my hobbies suffered. I have a great passion for computers, music, cars, (both model and real,) video games and electronics just like you haha. But during that period of time none of it mattered. That wasn’t who I usually am. I take meds for this and they help. I suffer from PTSD as well. I never served in the Armed Forces so you may be asking yourself how is that possible? I have suffered through a lot of abuse, both physical and mental, throughout my childhood. It took a lot from me. I was scared that I would lose my life at the hands of the people that were supposed to take care of me. I was scarred and I’m still to this day. But where I am now I wouldn’t change it for the world. I am living on my own now and enjoying every second. It’s one of my greatest accomplishments that I’ve made in my life. I’ve had so many people tell me, “Yea you’ll never make it.” Well I’m laughing in their faces now.

    Thanks for all you do Jerry and I can’t wait to see more videos.

    Yours Truly
    Bill Mesker aka Minitrucker231 on YouTube.

  7. BARNACULES! Welcome back you beautiful man and I can’t wait to see you filling up my youtube page again. Sorry the road you had to take to get here was so painful but I’m glad to see you come out on the other side stronger and better for it. I’ll keep you and your family in my thoughts. Keep it up and again….WELCOME BACK!

  8. Well done Jerry. Sometimes we have to endure some shit before we can appreciate the good things in life. I’m bigger, fatter, and older than you so if I call you fat you can take it as a compliment πŸ™‚ I’m fat and proud of it. For me there’s a whole psychological thing going on that I’m not even going to try to understand or get to grips with. I just know that if I’m depressed I eat and that helps. So I try to stay happy first, then I might think about not eating complete junk all the time, and maybe one day I’ll lose weight, but then again, maybe not. Like you say, I’d rather die prematurely as a happy (and good) person than be a depressed bastard constantly thinking suicidal thoughts, or wishing it on others. Now enough about that shit – PLEASE make another CODEGASM video – I love those and I love the way you show us crazy fun shit that teaches us stuff that you don’t find in the textbooks. Keep well, keep going, and above all, stay happy. Best of luck.

  9. Keep up the good work Jerry. I’m really happy that you’ve found your way. Don’t listen to these haters and live your own life πŸ™‚ I’m waiting with excitement for new videos. Welcome back

  10. Jerry I’ve been watch your videos since you had like 3000 subs. Since then you had been my favourite youtuber and I’ve been watching every single video from you even some that had some themes i wasn’t really into but just to see you talking because I think your just such an awesome dude! I have always felt with you but i never wrote many comment because I think that you have better things to do or read comment with better spelling ^^. But since there is only a couple comments here there is a tiny change you will read this :D. So Jerry please just be like your were always πŸ˜€ That engaged,simpatic,friendlike person that all we love πŸ™‚ Just keep up the work and that you for telling us all these thing and be so open instead of beeing so closed of and not responding to the worried comments πŸ™‚ And if you dont upload video in a week or two it’s OKAY ! πŸ˜€ We already know that you only to the video when you feel like it and thats way better than some fake Jerry πŸ™‚

    So thats it from my side and thank you for reading πŸ˜‰

    Your friend and huge fan Th3shot/Marvin Gomez

    We all love you too man πŸ™‚

  11. I’m not following you for a very long time, but have read most of your blogs/tweets/videos lately. I’m pretty happy to read that you are being more positive in this blog and are feeling somewhat better.
    As far as youtube goes. I did subscribe to your channel to watch you making fun and somewhat chaotic (in the positive sense) videos about tech. If there is a day where you think you can not make these videos for whatever reason, don’t make a video because you feel you have to. If it takes a long time for you to become your old self again, please take your time. I hope you will feel good about yourself again soon and enjoy time Mrs Barnacules and Xander. If this is the case and you feel like making videos again, I’ll be still subscribed and will be happy to watch that new video you made if it shows up in my timeline.
    Stay positive and true to yourself.

  12. Hey Jerry,

    Your videos make me happy. I have been on the depression roller coaster and when I’m down, your videos always make me smile. Even the serious ones. As a person you make me smile and some day I’d love to buy you a beer and hang out. You help take the edge off some of my worse days and for that, I thank you.

    You’re a good dude, Jerry. You’re one of the good ones.

    Richard

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