I’m becoming a science project!

Hey Guys,

Today I went to my doctor for a follow up appointment after he put me on Welbutrin almost a month ago for my depression and anxiety. I explained to him the problems I had with all the medications and we both decided to have another go with another medication called Cymbalta which can treat back pain, anxiety and depression which are the 3 things that bother me the most in my life. The down side is the medication can cause nausea for the first week or so of use so I’m not looking forward to that but I’m still hopeful that we can find the right medication that will allow me to function with less anxiety and panic attacks and reduce my pain to a level where I’m happy.

A lot of people have recommended Cymbalta to me since I started writing this BLOG so I figure it’s worth a try. People tell me that it can sometimes take trying 5 – 10 different medications before you find the one that works best for you so I’m hopeful that at some point I’ll find something that will let me just get back to life as usual and help me get through my days happy and energetic. I’m really sick of not sleeping and constantly feeling anxious and depressed. I thought coming off all my meds and just being hardcore was the way to go but it turned out to be a very stupid move on my part since I haven’t slept well in days (more like weeks).

My diet has also suffered because of the lack of sleep and energy preventing me from going to the gym and the depression shutting me down on a lot of fronts. I want to get this problem solved and as much as I want to believe I can just focus, commit and fix everything without medical involvement I’ve since come to my senses and decided that I really do need to find a medication that works. I think it’s amazing that I have a doctor that speaks so openly and freely with me about anything and is willing to do whatever it takes to find the right the solution. He’s been my doctor for years and he’s very encouraging and will try anything including therapy, non medicine based therapies or medicine if necessary. After talking with him I think the next step is to not give up on medication and still try to find the right one. I know a lot of people have recommended therapy but I have a long history of therapy as a child and to be honest I’m done talking to therapists about my problems. It has never really helped and if anything even give me more anxiety, some people respond well to it but I’m not one of them.

One of the biggest things that has changed in my life over the last year after leaving Microsoft is that I have to focus on much more then just my job and my family. The directions I’m pulled in and the management of my time is critical to my success and direction can change multiple times a day. That additional stress and anxiety has lead me to losing sleep and constantly in state of panic or feeling defeated which isn’t good. Where I didn’t need help a year ago medically for my anxiety and depression I find that I absolutely need some kind of help now. A lot of people don’t realize that the person they see on YouTube that appears to be this super happy energetic person often is sad and depressed off camera. I find now after talking to lots of other large YouTubers this is very common in this line of work. The pressure to constantly deliver something your viewers want to see begins to consume you. It’s very difficult to find a balance that works for everyone.

I really want to get back to exercising every day and get my diet back to a better (not perfect) more stable one. I was doing so well with it for several weeks but ultimately failed because the depression bug crept back up and bit me hard again. Every time I feel like I have it defeated and behind me it finds a way to break my knees again with a baseball bat. I’m hoping that if I find the right medication that can get me into a more positive mind state and not let the negativity that surrounds my new career gets to me I will be able to dig myself out and live a more productive and happy life which in turn will give my wife and kiddo the husband and father they deserve and I may live a little longer too 😀

You guys are amazing, I wouldn’t continue to do this YouTube adventure if it wasn’t for you guys, the viewers! For all the negativity out there I find the positiveness overwhelmingly defeats it and that keeps me going. But for some reason the negativity still creeps in and builds up to toxic levels and makes me feel like a failure. That shouldn’t be the case since the evidence overwhelmingly shows that I am successful at what I do regardless of some people calling it ‘selling out’ or claiming I’m a ‘fat piece of shit’. I’m hoping with the right medication, good sleep and the ability to relax a little bit I will regain what I’ve lost transitioning YouTube from a hobby to a career and get back to business as usual.

Also on another note a lot of people have been recommending CBD (Cannabis extract) for treating pain and anxiety. Well since I live in Washington and it’s completely legal I gave it a try for a few days and I have to say all it did was give me extreme nausea and made me feel hung over and did very little for my back pain or mood. I know it works for a lot of people out there and I hoped that I would have been one of them but unfortunately it doesn’t agree with me. I tried different ratios of CBD/THC and things even got worse. So I’m abandoning that avenue of treatment but I’m not condemning it because if it works for you then nobody has the right to tell you it’s wrong. But since so many people suggest it I figured I would mention it so people know it simply doesn’t work for me and stop recommending it.

On a more positive note my friend Rob (@DarthTigger501) is coming over tonight to help me work on the #3dprinted Storm Trooper suit and get it ready for PAX Prime. So be sure and keep an eye on http://instagram.barnnerd.com for updates on that tonight! Having the suit ready for PAX Prime is going to be difficult but we’re going to make it happen. The guys at MyMiniFactory (Lloyd, Kirby and Robert) have been amazing in delivering a sliced model I can print and assemble to showcase the versatility of desktop 3D printing and I thank them for that. Also huge shout out to Cooler Master for providing me with exhibitor passes last minute to the event and inviting me to participate in some 3D printing demos they are going to be giving at the event. If it wasn’t for support from awesome companies and amazing viewers like you guys this job wouldn’t be a job at all and I would be back behind a desk typing thousands of lines of code into a compiler every day and attending meetings about TPS reports 😛

Also #VloggerFair is coming up in less than a week so if you’re in the Seattle area check it out and come visit me and @JayzTwoCents, we will be there! You can use discount code ‘poopnap’ at http://vloggerfair.com to get 15% off your tickets. I look forward to meeting a lot of you at the event. I never have more fun then actually going out to events and hanging out with my viewers! Also I will be at New York World Maker Faire next month so if you’re in the area swing by the Ultimaker booth and say hi!

Love you all, thank you for being on this journey with me!

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5 thoughts on “I’m becoming a science project!

  1. I follow you on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and YouTube. Not Amazon thought! Definitely couldn’t afford that!
    Anyway, the reason I do follow your content is because of what knowledge you present and the other things you do despite having all of those problems plaguing your everyday life.
    I do understand what you are going through. Weight issues, anxiety, chronic physical problems that will not lay quiet in the background.
    I use you as motivation to keep going. I use it to tell me that we all have issues of some sort and we have to keep moving forward despite them.
    Yeah a lot of the times it seems that personal progress is extremely slow or even non-existent. We just have to hang onto whatever little gains we can get and hopefully gleam momentum from them.
    Sorry for rambling. Hang in there. I’ll be watching, listening, reading. Along with a lot of other people.

  2. Hey Jerry, First of all anyone that is being negative towards you is either having there own self-esteem issues are just jealous because you are making a go of this and its easier to tear someone down than build them selves up. Secondly Who gives a shit! Anyone that follows you knows you have plenty to offer the world. So keep you head up and keep your eye on the goals. You can always veer off course, just don’t loose sight. On another note. This might sound odd, but have you had your Testosterone levels checked? A lot of guys as they get older go threw some serious emotional swings and its starts for us around 30yrs when you levels start dropping off faster. It will also cause depression and sleeplessness along with many other issues. As you said you have a lot on your plate right now so every little thing just seems that much more severe when your hormones are out of sorts. Just food for thought. on a closing note. I think your the kind of guy everyone can get behind if you doubt me look at the number of subscribers to your channel and followers on twitter. 🙂

  3. Hello Jerry,

    Have you seen this? Could be worth a look, it talks about how our modern everyday lives are causing an epidemic in depression (among other things) because our bodies are not designed for modern life. It also talks about what we can do to adjust our lives to battle these things and that medicine is not a solution.

    Regards,
    Danny

  4. Hey Jer. Champ You are a rockstar!!! Just keep going strong. I know you will get better chop chop. I have noticed a trend with you…Have been watching your vids for a long time now…You don’t ever go half measure and you just go balls to the wall with everything you do. You don’t seem the “ease into it kind of chap”. Just a thought….don’t go to the gym every day because when you miss a couple days then you feel bad about yourself. Plan you do one thing for each day of the week…besides work and family commitments. Every Monday you go to gym, Tuesday, 1-2hrs dedicated family fun time outside away from PC, Wednesday, A short walk down the road and so on. Start very small and after a few weeks maybe a month, see if you want to increase the gym time. You are at a low spot in your life now, but you won’t be forever, you just need to take it slow and stop overwhelming yourself. I have just been making headway myself as I too wobbled off the tracks. sometimes you need to slowly steady the ship before you can set sail again. I started this 5 day gym plan but I could not sustain it as my low days I would not even get out of bed. so I went back to basics and and stopped pressuring myself to do this crazy shit…Setup for a win situation…don’t setup for failure. You need those small victories each day so you can feel that you have achieved something no matter how small or big. There is a series that I stumbled on recently on YT called Battlefields friends….Theses guys made a cartoon that takes the micky out of BF4 and I laughed and laughed and boy did I laugh. Laughter is your biggest drug to help Jer. Wishing you well and God bless.

  5. Hey Jerry! I don’t care if this reply ends up posted up or not I just care if you read it.

    First of all, don’t let yourself become a science project. I understand that it can be difficult to make changes in life and go along with those changes both physically and mentally (emotionally, psychologically, sociologically) but it is possible without making a ‘science project’ out of yourself.

    I will try to convey my personal experiences in the relevant categories as brief and straight to the point as possible, but I will likely fail.

    I have experienced periods of time in my life with a very strong depression (suicide thoughts, attempts etc), they still occur now and again without any warning, yay to that! It’s part of life, not everyone’s life, just like anything really.

    Life on our level (homo sapiens) is very complex. We like to keep routine and be absorbed in out usual activities without having to leave our comfort zone a whole lot (I’m a guitar player, don’t expect me to drums, for example..). We get very comfortable with certain things and get very resilient to change because it’s uncomfortable and new and strange and… exciting, different, unpredictable, surprising, delighting, could it really be? Not so much delighting at first, that’s for sure.

    I didn’t get as much positive out of Celexa, initially, and then Wellbutrin (max allowed dose) combined with Sertraline (max allowed again) and Risperidone; as I did listening to other people talk about their problems in group therapy.

    I think the group therapy was very eye-opening and assuring for me. I didn’t ever realize that there are that many people with that many problems that are very similar or different from mine. But I was able to relate and feel for those people and realize I was not alone. Mind you it was very uncomfortable, especially at first to talk and listen.

    Now the drugs are just a crutch. I didn’t want to think of them as such in the beginning, I was searching for a medication that would “fix me”. But I wasn’t broken. I was simply alive and experiencing life in it’s full flavour. Woohoo!

    Quitting the “crutch drugs” was very difficult even in the specialized health facility. But I knew I had to do it, from reading about the antidepressant drugs and how people were able to carry on without them.

    I think these drugs have their purpose, but it is a limited one.

    I was going to expand a little and gradually lead to a conclusion about the path that I had taken through depression and anxiety to sort of rid myself of these symptoms. But I am running out of steam and need a break. I would love to chat with you live. If you have any interest in what I have to say then email me at chabanov.vitali@gmail.com. I am not selling anything, I am not recommending anything I just want to make my personal experiences available to those who may benefit from knowing more about them.

    I’m glad I clicked on Tek Syndicate video depicting you and jay having a bit of fun in the beginning, which prompted me to subscribe to both Jay’s and your channels.

    You guys rock. I’m here. Are you there?

    Thanks,
    Vitali

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