Today I went to my doctor for a follow up appointment after he put me on Welbutrin almost a month ago for my depression and anxiety. I explained to him the problems I had with all the medications and we both decided to have another go with another medication called Cymbalta which can treat back pain, anxiety and depression which are the 3 things that bother me the most in my life. The down side is the medication can cause nausea for the first week or so of use so I’m not looking forward to that but I’m still hopeful that we can find the right medication that will allow me to function with less anxiety and panic attacks and reduce my pain to a level where I’m happy.
A lot of people have recommended Cymbalta to me since I started writing this BLOG so I figure it’s worth a try. People tell me that it can sometimes take trying 5 – 10 different medications before you find the one that works best for you so I’m hopeful that at some point I’ll find something that will let me just get back to life as usual and help me get through my days happy and energetic. I’m really sick of not sleeping and constantly feeling anxious and depressed. I thought coming off all my meds and just being hardcore was the way to go but it turned out to be a very stupid move on my part since I haven’t slept well in days (more like weeks).
My diet has also suffered because of the lack of sleep and energy preventing me from going to the gym and the depression shutting me down on a lot of fronts. I want to get this problem solved and as much as I want to believe I can just focus, commit and fix everything without medical involvement I’ve since come to my senses and decided that I really do need to find a medication that works. I think it’s amazing that I have a doctor that speaks so openly and freely with me about anything and is willing to do whatever it takes to find the right the solution. He’s been my doctor for years and he’s very encouraging and will try anything including therapy, non medicine based therapies or medicine if necessary. After talking with him I think the next step is to not give up on medication and still try to find the right one. I know a lot of people have recommended therapy but I have a long history of therapy as a child and to be honest I’m done talking to therapists about my problems. It has never really helped and if anything even give me more anxiety, some people respond well to it but I’m not one of them.
One of the biggest things that has changed in my life over the last year after leaving Microsoft is that I have to focus on much more then just my job and my family. The directions I’m pulled in and the management of my time is critical to my success and direction can change multiple times a day. That additional stress and anxiety has lead me to losing sleep and constantly in state of panic or feeling defeated which isn’t good. Where I didn’t need help a year ago medically for my anxiety and depression I find that I absolutely need some kind of help now. A lot of people don’t realize that the person they see on YouTube that appears to be this super happy energetic person often is sad and depressed off camera. I find now after talking to lots of other large YouTubers this is very common in this line of work. The pressure to constantly deliver something your viewers want to see begins to consume you. It’s very difficult to find a balance that works for everyone.
I really want to get back to exercising every day and get my diet back to a better (not perfect) more stable one. I was doing so well with it for several weeks but ultimately failed because the depression bug crept back up and bit me hard again. Every time I feel like I have it defeated and behind me it finds a way to break my knees again with a baseball bat. I’m hoping that if I find the right medication that can get me into a more positive mind state and not let the negativity that surrounds my new career gets to me I will be able to dig myself out and live a more productive and happy life which in turn will give my wife and kiddo the husband and father they deserve and I may live a little longer too 😀
You guys are amazing, I wouldn’t continue to do this YouTube adventure if it wasn’t for you guys, the viewers! For all the negativity out there I find the positiveness overwhelmingly defeats it and that keeps me going. But for some reason the negativity still creeps in and builds up to toxic levels and makes me feel like a failure. That shouldn’t be the case since the evidence overwhelmingly shows that I am successful at what I do regardless of some people calling it ‘selling out’ or claiming I’m a ‘fat piece of shit’. I’m hoping with the right medication, good sleep and the ability to relax a little bit I will regain what I’ve lost transitioning YouTube from a hobby to a career and get back to business as usual.
Also on another note a lot of people have been recommending CBD (Cannabis extract) for treating pain and anxiety. Well since I live in Washington and it’s completely legal I gave it a try for a few days and I have to say all it did was give me extreme nausea and made me feel hung over and did very little for my back pain or mood. I know it works for a lot of people out there and I hoped that I would have been one of them but unfortunately it doesn’t agree with me. I tried different ratios of CBD/THC and things even got worse. So I’m abandoning that avenue of treatment but I’m not condemning it because if it works for you then nobody has the right to tell you it’s wrong. But since so many people suggest it I figured I would mention it so people know it simply doesn’t work for me and stop recommending it.
On a more positive note my friend Rob (@DarthTigger501) is coming over tonight to help me work on the #3dprinted Storm Trooper suit and get it ready for PAX Prime. So be sure and keep an eye on http://instagram.barnnerd.com for updates on that tonight! Having the suit ready for PAX Prime is going to be difficult but we’re going to make it happen. The guys at MyMiniFactory (Lloyd, Kirby and Robert) have been amazing in delivering a sliced model I can print and assemble to showcase the versatility of desktop 3D printing and I thank them for that. Also huge shout out to Cooler Master for providing me with exhibitor passes last minute to the event and inviting me to participate in some 3D printing demos they are going to be giving at the event. If it wasn’t for support from awesome companies and amazing viewers like you guys this job wouldn’t be a job at all and I would be back behind a desk typing thousands of lines of code into a compiler every day and attending meetings about TPS reports 😛
Also #VloggerFair is coming up in less than a week so if you’re in the Seattle area check it out and come visit me and @JayzTwoCents, we will be there! You can use discount code ‘poopnap’ at http://vloggerfair.com to get 15% off your tickets. I look forward to meeting a lot of you at the event. I never have more fun then actually going out to events and hanging out with my viewers! Also I will be at New York World Maker Faire next month so if you’re in the area swing by the Ultimaker booth and say hi!
Love you all, thank you for being on this journey with me!
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