Sorry I haven’t written or recorded a life update VLOG in a while. I’ve been under a lot of stress with events like #VloggerFair and PAX Prime coming up this month and preparing for them while also fighting some other battles. Also on top of that my son got really sick (102° temp) and passed it onto me so I’m not feeling too good myself right now but I want to finish this blog so I can move on to shooting some monthly subscription box unboxings for you guys, you have waited a long time and so have I.
I am going to address the elephant in the room which is my diet and exercise. I haven’t been to the gym in 5 days and have been eating horribly again because it seems to be the only thing that helps with the stress I’m experiencing right now. I literally feel like a failure with every bite I take yet I still do it which puzzles me. I’ve tried to shoot videos the last 2 days even while sick but I just don’t feel comfortable in front of the camera unless I’m happy and feeling good which are feelings I rarely have these days with everything going on.
I’m still off all my medication except for my back pain medication and even that I’ve reduced the dose so I’m pretty happy with that one small victory. But I’ve also gained about 5lb in the last week back that I worked so hard to lose and that disappoints the hell out of me. I wish there was a way for me to mind meld with all the people reading this and show them exactly what is going through my head so they might better understand it’s not as simple as just ‘Putting the fork down’. Over eating or unhealthy eating stems from a deeper problem of depression. I think deep down I hate myself and want to punish myself and this is how I achieve that, I know it’s strange but it’s the only explanation I can think of after weighing all the data and knowing exactly what the outcomes of my actions will be!
All I truly want is to get back on track with creating videos, enjoying time with my family and reducing my pain in my back so I can do more things which requires me to exercise routinely and eat better. I was able to stay the course for several weeks and lose over 20lb but as a lot of people suspected it didn’t last and fell apart. I need to find a diet that I truly enjoy and exercises that I enjoy to keep me engaged. Weight lifting is fun and I enjoy it but it’s very solitary so the time doesn’t fly by. I need to find something I can do with friends to keep me in shape while still being able to have company and stimulating conversation. I spend enough time alone in the Nerd Cave trying to build my little YouTube empire and don’t want to spend more time alone at the gym (Might even get a personal trainer).
I see every day as new battle and no matter how many times you fail never give up and keep trying. People will make fun of you when you fail, people will even make fun of you when you’re successful but at the end of the day you’re the only person that matters and it’s what you convince yourself of that really matters. I know all too well how hard it is to ignore the haters, those toxic people that want you to fail so they feel like they have some perverse power of you or feel more achieved in their life filled with nothing because they can see you are suffering too. These people lives to get attention good or bad by any means necessary because they are social outcasts that have their own sets of problems they don’t know how to deal with. I just need to learn how to ignore them since they obviously are not going anywhere anytime soon and the problem will continue to get worse as my YouTube channel grows in popularity because every villain likes to take down a bigger target.
Sorry today’s blog wasn’t more up-beat. I just needed to get a few things off my chest so I can finally turn around and face the camera again and shoot a few unboxing videos for you guys and then head down to the maker space to work on welding together the rest of the #3dprinted Storm Trooper suit which is almost complete (Helmet is printing now). I’m very excited with the progress on all these projects and I need to learn how to focus more energy and attention on the massive amount of positive people and energy around me then focusing on the slight little pain caused by the young trolls of the internet. It’s kind of like a bee sting, no matter how tiny it is or obscure its location you can’t stop itching it despite 99.9% of the rest of your body being perfectly fine.
Love you all, thanks for reading and being there for me!
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