Getting back on the horse…

Hey Guys,

Sorry I haven’t written a blog entry in the last few days, I haven’t exactly been doing great emotionally. It’s been a bit of a roller coaster ride coming off my ADHD medication and the anti-depressants I was on but things are starting to smooth out a little now. Unfortunately as I said before I did have to go back to my pain medication but in a lower dose so I’m not so foggy all the time so it’s working for the time being but I’m still searching for alternatives.

I still haven’t been able to produce a new video. Every time I turn on the camera I get scared for some reason and I can’t get the words out to save my life. It used to be a pleasant and joyful experience but now it’s actually pretty uncomfortable for some reason. I think it’s because I’m so far behind on everything and have so many important events coming up like PAX Prime and VloggerFair that I’m starting to panic. Every time I shoot a video a voice in the back of my mind is talking about the 10 other things I need to do and it’s messing with my ability to just have fun in front of the camera and produce something good. I need to find a way to fix this quick before it just keeps compounding and I never find relief. The camera needs to become my friend again!

Something positive did happen yesterday. I received my TENS unit from Amazon ( and used it for the first time for 1 hour last night before bed. It feels really weird like someone is flicking you in the back with a finger and at first was kind of unpleasant until I got the power dialed in. Once I got it dialed in I was able to relax and it felt like I was getting a lower back massage. After 1 hour I removed the pads and I had zero back pain! My lower back felt fine however it was completely numb and even touching the skin on my lower back felt weird because it was so numb. I went to bed and actually slept pretty good compared to most nights and only tossed and turned about half as much. I’m surprised at how well this little cheap TENS unit works to relieve pain, it’s just unfortunate the effects only last a few hours but it’s enough in combination with my pain meds to help me get to sleep much faster and it does offer instantaneous relief of pain symptoms which in a crunch is life savings since medication often takes a long time to kick in.

Today is a new day, my email box like usual is full of people asking me where the new videos are and pointing out how I’m going to fail if I don’t start making videos quickly. I’m not going to lie, it doesn’t help even though I know most peoples intentions are noble. But if you’re in a rally car driving through the woods at 100mph and your co-driver just keeps yelling ‘Don’t hit the tree’ what do you think is going to happen? You’re going to hit the tree! But I need to just put everything out of my mind, relax and take a deep breath and just start making videos in no particular order and just doing what I want to do at any given point in time and let the cards lay where they lay. I operate without a script and all of my videos are completely dynamic in how they are shot and what I say. This format has always made me feel like I’m giving a more raw and real experience to my viewers instead of just spouting off stats from a white sheet about a product or reading lines of a teleprompter. Some people are amazing at writing and using a teleprompter but I’m not one of them. This means my videos have a lot more mistakes and I honestly never cared because it was more ‘real’. I want to keep that format moving forward but it can be hard sometimes since you can’t budget a perfect amount of time for each video since you really don’t know how long it will take until you’re done.

Since I’ve started doing YouTube as a full time job it feels more like I’m running a business then a fun YouTube channel. I’m too worried about making sure that I can pay the bills and keep clients happy rather then just sitting down and making fun, silly & educational videos like I used too. I need to get back to that happy place and just do what I want to do and everything else should come naturally. And if it doesn’t, well, it’s not that big of a deal because I can just go back to an IT job programming computers since I’m actually quite good at it and if I’m honest quite enjoy the challenges that come with a job like that.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m holding on way too tight and worrying about a lot of stuff that honestly isn’t even within my control. I’m having internal battles to figure out which video I should do next because everyone is pulling me in different directions but realistically I should just be making videos regardless of everything else even if they are just things I want to do at a given moment in time. I really need to get back to the fun life I had last year where every day was just a new adventure and another reason to do fun projects and share my experiences with all of you. I need to stop freaking out every time I get an email from a sponsor asking where the video is or people telling me I need to make a #codegasm or they will unsubscribe. I need to just do what I want to do and the people that stick around for it will be the most positive and supportive audience I could ask for! Why on earth am I trying to keep people around that don’t care about me but only a single aspect of what I do? The answer is, “I REALLY DON’T KNOW”… So I’m going to stop doing that!

Thank you everyone for the kind words and massive support you haven given me on my social networks. I’ve honestly wanted to quit YouTube and go back to work more then a few times because of all the crazy stuff that keeps happening between the fraud, threats and people just being douche bags for no reason. But at the end of the day I always decide to keep doing it because the positive people like you that support me and my family and genuinely care about how I’m doing emotionally and not just about the next video.

Thanks for reading my blog, I really enjoy writing it because it’s a super fast and genuine way for me to get my feelings out on the table and share them without the editing you get in a video to mold and craft that message. It’s just a more raw way to communicate with you, my more hardcore fans that really enjoy what I do and really like me for who I am and those are the fans I’m going to focus on moving forward!

Have a great day everyone, I’m going to turn on the camera and enjoy making my next video which is a review of the Aputure Light Storm and Amaran LED light panels that I use to light all of my videos and everything else is going to take a back seat to do that. It’s time to just have fun and do what Barnacules does and let the cards lay where they lay and stop holding on so damn tight. It’s time to make like MAVRICK and re-engage (Top Gun Reference).

Love you guys!

Top Gun


9 thoughts on “Getting back on the horse…

  1. A lot of people relate to exactly what you’re going through. The truth is, I like following what you do because you’re more authentic and honest with your audience than almost anyone I’ve ever followed/paid attention to. And as long as we’re being honest, the first time I saw a video recommended on YouTube with you in it, I scoffed because of the name.

    You hooked me with your “I’m Depressed…” vlog and I’ve been following you at every step since because like a lot of people out there, I can relate.

    You’re doing awesome things out there, and keeping things positive when we all know that exposing yourself out there like you do will draw the trolls. F the trolls. Do you. I know I’m speaking on behalf of the entire @barnacules community as a whole that we love you, Jerry. Keep being you and we’ll keep following you on every step of this journey.

    Thank you for making your videos, writing these blogs, engaging on Twitter, and being a really decent human being. The world is a better place with people like you in it.

    You’re an inspiration.

    – Kamil

  2. Thinking of you and yours buddy. My father gave me a great piece of advice and I wonder if this is what you should be thinking regarding all the idiots you are coming up against on the interwebnet 😄👍
    Look after you and yours and f**k everyone else .
    Take care my friend

  3. Hiya!
    Just wanted to say I think your awesome I love your Videos they always make me smile , I still remember the first time I found your channel and what video it was lol sad I know anyways
    I really hope feel better soon

    Kindest regards

  4. Hey Jerry

    Keep on trucking, dude. While I understand you might not want “good advice” from the entire internet, I obviously think my ideas are worth your time ;). But what I do when overwhelmed and unable to concentrate because of all the stuff in my mind is simply to write those things out on a piece of physical paper. For me, the act of moving the stuff into the physical world convinces my brain that it does not need to keep track of it, at least for a little while. From there I can take a look at all the things at once and decide what is important… but even if I don’t if frees the RAM.

    Take care man, I’m rooting for you.
    — Søren

  5. You won’t fail, and don’t listen to anyone who tells you that you will. Jerry must come first, not his adoring public. Anyone who doesn’t understand that can be dismissed.

    If you ever want or need to chat or vent, feel free to track me down. I did briefly consider coming out to vlogger fair but my son’s school starts that week and I’d have to have him out of school for a few days because no way would he let me go out there and meet you without him in tow. 🙂

    Take care, rooting for you!

  6. Hey Jerry,

    I think that the people who post here, Twitter, and on Facebook are the people who do genuinely care about your future! Here are the many people supporting you not just for the great videos you are able to produce, but for the person you are, which is the reason why a lot of us are here wanting to support you and want those videos, as some of us just want to see more of Jerry! You are a great person and we’re all here for you.

    With the medication, do whatever you want that makes you happy. If needs be, do take the meds for your back pains as we’d rather have a happy and painless Jerry rather than one with pains! Just make yourself comfortable in life.

    There are many of us who have been supporters of you for a long time and that’s because we enjoy the content you make and your great personality. I admire how you are able to be so happy and are able to enjoy life in the way you do, and I admire the fact that you are prepared to deal with the depression issues to be able to still get those highs like you do!

    In terms of the Camera, only turn it on when you feel as though you are talking to an audience that supports you. There are the people that are here for you and want you to be happy, and there are the people there for the content production. When wanting to produce a video, just think of what you want to say, just forget everything else and if need be, just take breaks. If you want to produce the video then be sure about what you are producing and keep to it 🙂

    That’s all I have to say in more than 140 words Jerry.
    Stay strong!

    -Drew [Gamerdudes]

  7. I hope you feel better jerry! Take your time on this take are of yourself and your family first and then YouTube. Remember health and family first Jerry!

  8. Fightingfalconfan here, been a long time sub of yours. F the haters, do what you want, your real fans will support it, I know I will. Missed you buddy; but you do have family to take care of and yourself too, Who cares about any particular order you do a video? If you feel like working on your car one day and you want to show others what your doing, make a video; if you feel like hopping back in the racing sim, make a video of it; It don’t matter the order in what comes first, all that matters is that your happy doing the video. That’s how I am with things in my life, if I am not happy about something I change it. I am doing that with my network (inspired by your wiring closet since I have my comcast modem/wireless stuff and my server (someone’s junk 10 year old desktop I found and rescued and now used as a server)) I am upgrading it over time along with my rig and building a computer to watch TV on. Just do what you want, us fans will watch it! Oh and soon I want to buy a t shirt from your store, the bat knife one 🙂

    Well that’s it for now, good luck and till next time, be safe, have fun, and stay dirty! (EricTheCarGuy’s closing)

  9. Not making videos until you are ready is a positive; it means that you care about what you do and we will always get good quality, honest and fun vids. I’ve seen other channels pump out quantity over quality and it’s never good thing. Your videos are worth waiting for.
    All the best mate 🙂

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