Sorry I haven’t written a blog entry in the last few days, I haven’t exactly been doing great emotionally. It’s been a bit of a roller coaster ride coming off my ADHD medication and the anti-depressants I was on but things are starting to smooth out a little now. Unfortunately as I said before I did have to go back to my pain medication but in a lower dose so I’m not so foggy all the time so it’s working for the time being but I’m still searching for alternatives.
I still haven’t been able to produce a new video. Every time I turn on the camera I get scared for some reason and I can’t get the words out to save my life. It used to be a pleasant and joyful experience but now it’s actually pretty uncomfortable for some reason. I think it’s because I’m so far behind on everything and have so many important events coming up like PAX Prime and VloggerFair that I’m starting to panic. Every time I shoot a video a voice in the back of my mind is talking about the 10 other things I need to do and it’s messing with my ability to just have fun in front of the camera and produce something good. I need to find a way to fix this quick before it just keeps compounding and I never find relief. The camera needs to become my friend again!
Something positive did happen yesterday. I received my TENS unit from Amazon (http://amzn.to/1MXd95V) and used it for the first time for 1 hour last night before bed. It feels really weird like someone is flicking you in the back with a finger and at first was kind of unpleasant until I got the power dialed in. Once I got it dialed in I was able to relax and it felt like I was getting a lower back massage. After 1 hour I removed the pads and I had zero back pain! My lower back felt fine however it was completely numb and even touching the skin on my lower back felt weird because it was so numb. I went to bed and actually slept pretty good compared to most nights and only tossed and turned about half as much. I’m surprised at how well this little cheap TENS unit works to relieve pain, it’s just unfortunate the effects only last a few hours but it’s enough in combination with my pain meds to help me get to sleep much faster and it does offer instantaneous relief of pain symptoms which in a crunch is life savings since medication often takes a long time to kick in.
Today is a new day, my email box like usual is full of people asking me where the new videos are and pointing out how I’m going to fail if I don’t start making videos quickly. I’m not going to lie, it doesn’t help even though I know most peoples intentions are noble. But if you’re in a rally car driving through the woods at 100mph and your co-driver just keeps yelling ‘Don’t hit the tree’ what do you think is going to happen? You’re going to hit the tree! But I need to just put everything out of my mind, relax and take a deep breath and just start making videos in no particular order and just doing what I want to do at any given point in time and let the cards lay where they lay. I operate without a script and all of my videos are completely dynamic in how they are shot and what I say. This format has always made me feel like I’m giving a more raw and real experience to my viewers instead of just spouting off stats from a white sheet about a product or reading lines of a teleprompter. Some people are amazing at writing and using a teleprompter but I’m not one of them. This means my videos have a lot more mistakes and I honestly never cared because it was more ‘real’. I want to keep that format moving forward but it can be hard sometimes since you can’t budget a perfect amount of time for each video since you really don’t know how long it will take until you’re done.
Since I’ve started doing YouTube as a full time job it feels more like I’m running a business then a fun YouTube channel. I’m too worried about making sure that I can pay the bills and keep clients happy rather then just sitting down and making fun, silly & educational videos like I used too. I need to get back to that happy place and just do what I want to do and everything else should come naturally. And if it doesn’t, well, it’s not that big of a deal because I can just go back to an IT job programming computers since I’m actually quite good at it and if I’m honest quite enjoy the challenges that come with a job like that.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m holding on way too tight and worrying about a lot of stuff that honestly isn’t even within my control. I’m having internal battles to figure out which video I should do next because everyone is pulling me in different directions but realistically I should just be making videos regardless of everything else even if they are just things I want to do at a given moment in time. I really need to get back to the fun life I had last year where every day was just a new adventure and another reason to do fun projects and share my experiences with all of you. I need to stop freaking out every time I get an email from a sponsor asking where the video is or people telling me I need to make a #codegasm or they will unsubscribe. I need to just do what I want to do and the people that stick around for it will be the most positive and supportive audience I could ask for! Why on earth am I trying to keep people around that don’t care about me but only a single aspect of what I do? The answer is, “I REALLY DON’T KNOW”… So I’m going to stop doing that!
Thank you everyone for the kind words and massive support you haven given me on my social networks. I’ve honestly wanted to quit YouTube and go back to work more then a few times because of all the crazy stuff that keeps happening between the fraud, threats and people just being douche bags for no reason. But at the end of the day I always decide to keep doing it because the positive people like you that support me and my family and genuinely care about how I’m doing emotionally and not just about the next video.
Thanks for reading my blog, I really enjoy writing it because it’s a super fast and genuine way for me to get my feelings out on the table and share them without the editing you get in a video to mold and craft that message. It’s just a more raw way to communicate with you, my more hardcore fans that really enjoy what I do and really like me for who I am and those are the fans I’m going to focus on moving forward!
Have a great day everyone, I’m going to turn on the camera and enjoy making my next video which is a review of the Aputure Light Storm and Amaran LED light panels that I use to light all of my videos and everything else is going to take a back seat to do that. It’s time to just have fun and do what Barnacules does and let the cards lay where they lay and stop holding on so damn tight. It’s time to make like MAVRICK and re-engage (Top Gun Reference).
Love you guys!
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