Last week I went to the doctor because of the massive increase in anxiety and depression I’ve been experiencing that has been building since Microsoft laid me off about a year ago and recently has skyrocketed due to legal battles I’ve been fighting against people trying to destroy my reputation just to steal a few products from companies to sell on eBay (see my last post). He prescribed me a drug called Wellbutrin to try and help me reduce the depression and anxiety and increase my drive. I’ve also been on Adderall for years for my ADHD but the Wellbutrin supposedly can replace that.
I also take prescription pain medication daily for my back for about 3+ years because I have a compressed disc at L4 that is too close to the nerve to operate safely and have a bone spur on my sciatic nerve which causes constant shooting pain and numbness in my legs and lower back. Unfortunately I can’t take traditional over the counter pain medication because I’m allergic to NSAIDS (IBProfin, Alleve, Asprin, etc).
I have taken the Wellbutrin for about a week and noticed that it had some side effects that I didn’t like including insomnia, which is further screwing with my sleep I already hardly get and I’ve noticed some increased tension in my muscles overall. Well today I finally decided I’m going to stop taking the Wellbutrin. But I’m not going to stop there, I’m also discontinuing use of Adderall (it was a low dose so very small withdrawal). I am also going to stop taking the pain medication and muscle relaxers starting today (withdrawal will be hard). In a nut shell I’ve noticed over the last year that the medication has really started to dull my senses and though it does help with some emotional/life problems and some of the anxiety it comes at a steep cost. I feel like my senses have been severely dulled and my memory has taken a severe blow, I have a hard time remembering things (could be the lack of sleep also, but caused by the medicine never the less). So I’ve decided to start detoxing my body off these drugs and finding alternative ways to deal with the pain, even if it means biting a stick and pushing through it.
I really want to get my passion and spark for life back and I feel like the drugs just numb the problem that ultimately needs to be fixed. Now, I will never be able to fix the pain in my back because of the disc and the bone spur completely but I’m confident if I power though the pain that I can eventually get to a point where it’s manageable without drugs and if I do have to use drugs in severe cases it will not be on a regular consistent basis that will cause them to have a cumulative affect on my mental & physical health overall.
A lot of people are going to judge me saying that coming off the drugs is not the solution and many people will say that it is. This is the internet, I expect to be judged for every single thing I do and I expect that every person judging me is going to think they are the only one that is right. But holding myself accountable and telling you guys about my life decisions actually helps me a great deal. I’ll be honest the diet hasn’t been going well over the last 2 weeks because of the constant legal battles I’ve been fighting and the amount of stress it has caused me but I’m still in the 280’s down from 308 and I’m going to get back on the wagon starting today and head to the gym.
I am however going to make some changes to my diet because it was not sustainable the way I was doing it. Have the foods I wanted once a week wasn’t enough and I find that comfort food is therapeutic if not abused. I will continue to lose weight but it’s going to be even more painful without the medication but I confident that in the end I will be better off mentally and I’ve realized that I would rather be mentally healthier then physically healthier in the short term but have both in the long term. I will keep you guys updated in videos of my overall progress starting in the next few days and basically go over all of this again in the video since I know many of my fans don’t like BLOG’s they like Videos.
This is going to be a rough ride and I’m sure I don’t even realize right now how unpleasant the next few weeks will be but in the end I hope to regain my passion, drive and love of life that was some how lost along the way of trying to get rid of the anxiety and depression that comes along with it. I’ll be honest, being an online media personality takes a huge toll on you emotionally. Like I said earlier a lot of people assume they have a 1-on-1 relationship with you and if you don’t reciprocate communications they get toxic. They don’t understand I can’t respond to thousands of emails a week or every single social media message and hidden DM I never receive. But I need to learn to deal with the stress and move forward and not let these people make me feel bad for not doing everything they want. I hear a lot of people at meets say they wish they had a half million subscriber channel and they would give anything for it. But I notice that they have not yet felt the pressures that come along with it. I myself didn’t even realize the stuff that would happen if I did this full time when I first made the decision, it’s been a roller coaster ride. But one thing is sure I need my wits about me to stay on top of everything and keep pushing forward hard and that is why I’m doing all this. Because at the end of the day my family needs a husband and father that is fun, happy and energetic and not what they have now which is someone who is emotionally defeated.
You guys are welcome to leave comments down below but I’ve made my choice and don’t worry I’m not going to let myself get to the point where I can’t get out of bed in the morning. But I really do need to find alternate way to deal with the depression, anxiety, stress and pain with something that doesn’t come out of a bottle for my own sanity and for my family. I want to get back to the crazy fun loving super hyper active person I was a year ago and I need to stop letting people online affect me negatively emotionally and just push through it. I need to stop thinking everyone on the internet that says something harmful or is let down by me is a friend. They are just people that don’t understand what is really going on and make negative assumptions and chose to take it out on me, nothing more.
The funny thing is just like my mom (R.I.P) I’ve always been good at giving other people good advise but seldom am I good at taking it myself. That being said, today I’m taking my own advise and I’m going to try and detox my body and see if mentally things improve even if it’s at the cost of some physical pain and mobility changes. I feel like in the end I will be better off for it! I love all you guys that take the time to watch my videos and read my blog it means a lot to me, you are the people that make it so I can do this YouTube thing instead of just going back to another IT programming job behind a desk. You’re the reason I want to get into a better place so I can make better videos and have more joy making them. Without an army of support I would probably continue on this downward spiral.
I’ve created a physical calendar that is on my wall in the bathroom that I can check the boxes off each day I don’t use any medication. This will give me some physical thing in the real world I can hold on to and see the progress as it happens. Checking these boxes will end each day with a small victory leading up to a large one. Like I said before, it’s not going to be easy but hopefully it will return to the person I used to be. Also today I’m going to turn the camera on and start shooting videos again, for better or for worse I don’t care I just want to get back into the swing of things. I need to stop second guessing myself and just focus on having fun because at the end of the day that is why you guys watch my videos, for information, comedy, education, etc and damn it, I want to give it back to you!
Also, this absolutely isn’t a judgement against medication, I know a lot of people that use medications and it changes their lives absolutely for the better! I chose that path because I noticed they were having such positive results but unfortunately I think I’m wired a little bit differently and the medication just isn’t having the effect that I want and I don’t have the time to try every single drug out there to find the perfect combination so time to just start over. At least if I ever do need to go back on a medication my system will be clean and so will my mind so I’ll have a much better idea of how the single medication is affecting me rather then the cumulative effects of multiple medications interacting. Please do not read this as medication is bad, if you take medication and it helps then please continue to do so! This is something I’m doing that may not end well, but I’m hoping that it does.
Thank you for everything, more videos coming really soon…
- YouTube – http://barnnerd.com
- Twitter – http://twitter.barnnerd.com
- Facebook – http://facebook.barnnerd.com
- Instagram – http://instagram.barnnerd.com