I created a new YouTube channel

Let me start off by saying that, yes, I did technically say a few years ago that I would never create a second YouTube channel because it’s pointless and that all the content I ever create will go up on Barnacules Nerdgasm.

I learned a valuable lesson and that is everything you say or do online stays online and people treat it like it was just said even when years have gone by because from their perception they just watched you say it. I totally get that now and I will try to refrain from saying ‘never’ again in the future. The truth is it didn’t make sense to me until just recently to make a second YouTube channel.

The new channel I created is called #CarGasm and it chronicals my passion and love for anything automotive or transportation. The truth is I’ve always been a gear head and love motorsports. I’ve been to DirtFish Rally School many times and have enjoyed absolutely every second of it. There is something exhilarating about not only driving a car but feeling its raw power and soul and letting the vibration, sounds and smells just drown out everything else in the background and fully pull you in.

I wanted to share that experience with you guys but each time I post something car related on the nerdgasm channel it gets a lot of bad comments from people that just want technology and don’t consider cars to fall into that category (even though they do).

Now I thought about trying to focus on the technology of the cars and make a series that would make everyone happy but realized quickly that my passion for driving cars is very different from my passion for technology like 3D printing. When it comes to my nerdy passions I like the specs, I like the ‘how it works’ and I like the challenge of making software and hardware work together. However, when I’m driving cars I like to leave all that behind and focus primarily on the experience and sharing that with you guys.

So I finally made the decision to launch a new channel which means it will grow slow, it will take time to establish, and the videos I put up there won’t get 1/20th the viewership they would get if I just uploaded them to the Barnacules Nerdgasm channel. But the difference is the #Cargasm channel will have an audience of car enthusiasts that enjoy the topic on the same level that I do without making a bunch of people angry that just want the technology stuff which I still am very passionate about. So from a business and money perspective, this makes little sense. But from a vision perspective, it makes perfect sense to me.

I also created separate social media for #Cargasm on Twitter and Instagram so I can again just follow other car enthusiasts and just post pictures and videos of car related content that get’s my blood boiling. This allows me to separate my two passions and the audiences that follow them.

Now a few people have expressed that they are worried the new channel will cause me to neglect the Barnacules Nerdgasm channel. I want to assure you that the opposite is going to happen and I’ll tell you why. Up until this point from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep I’m always in work mode which means I rarely disengage and do something else to clear my mind. By creating this new channel it allows me to do something completely different for a period of time and get my brain out of the monotony so I can flip/flip back and forth between the channels with a fresh mind and fresh vision each day.

Think of #Cargasm as the YING to #Nerdgasm’s YANG and a way to ensure that I get to share both of my passions with the right people every day without forcing people that don’t care for cars to watch them. Also, I plan to make about 3 – 4 videos a month on the #Cargasm channel which is a much lower frequency than the #Nerdgasm channel since I want to focus on higher production value and more time shooting and having fun with the cars since the reason for making this new channel isn’t to just make entertaining content. it’s to be genuinely entertained and capture that experience!

The first episode of #Cargasm is now up on the channel and if you haven’t seen it I really hope you will give it a chance and determine if this new channel is something you also would like to subscribe too. The first episode is about 30 minutes long and future episodes will be 10-15 minutes long to reduce editing time and allow for a ‘faster paced’ video. Also, I generally don’t do a ton of collaborations on #Nerdgasm but I plan to have regular co-hosts on #Cargasm with me to help give alternate perspectives on the vehicles I review and also to share in my enjoyment of the experience because everything is better when you get to share it with someone that has the same level of passion for it as you do.

I really hope you all give #Cargasm a chance and if you like the series please come over and subscribe and interact on social media. I want to get both my audiences to interact a lot more in the comments sections and spreading positivity and posting good questions that get the community thinking. I want to get people to come out of their shells and not just watch videos but interact with them. I really want both of my channels to be far more engaging going into 2017.

Thank you all for the support you give me. You have allowed me to provide for my family for 2 years now since Microsoft laid me off after my 15 year career as a software developer and I couldn’t be more grateful. I won’t lie, I get a lot of hate online for not having a real job in the context of what some people believe but I get 1000 people encouraging me for every 1 person trying to tear me down and as long as that keeps up I will keep on doing this until I can’t do it anymore.

I love you all, thank you for believing in me, supporting what I do and sharing my life with me. Even if you don’t like everything I make I still thank you from the bottom of my heart for sticking around for the things that you do enjoy.

<In Jerry’s Voice> It’s time for #Cargasm…

YouTube

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Mental Health is more important…

Hey Guys,

I felt like writing in my blog today after a little blow up on social media last night pertaining to my weight and health issues. Normally I try to let stuff roll off my back like a duck in the water but as my channel has been growing I’ve noticed an up trend in the amount of people that are sending me both negative and encouraging emails, comments, replies, DM’s, etc commenting on my weight and health in general.

The problem I’ve been encountering is that each person thinks they are the only one sending me the encouraging messages like ‘You really should loose weight’ or ‘You’re not looking well Jerry, you should go on a diet or get exercise’ or the not so encouraging ones like ‘Hey you selfish fat fuck how about you put down the bag of chips and try to be around for your child, you’re a horrible father!’ or ‘You should just kill yourself so you son doesn’t have to grow up with such a bad example’.

I really don’t mind the encouraging comments all that much but they also become a problem as time goes on because each person thinks they are helping me by telling me some encouraging thing about losing weight or telling me why I need to lose weight. But what it actually does is just draw attention back to my weight constantly which brings me a great amount of stress and what do I do when I’m stressed??? You guessed it, dive into some food and try to calm down.

I really hate muting and banning people that are just trying to be positive and constructive but unfortunately I’ve come to the realization that I don’t handle constant bombardment of my weight and health well and I’m finding that I’m gaining more weight, getting more gray hair, sleeping less and it’s all because of the constant bombardment of comments on my weight and health especially when they are out of context. The sad thing is I know the majority of people mean well and think they are being inspirational and helpful by pointing out my flaws and encouraging me to eat kale or run on a tread mill, etc. But the problem is each person thinks they are the only ones sending messages but from my side I’m receiving hundreds of them a week filling my inbox and stressing me the #$%^ out.

Everyone says that the only reason something effects you is because their is truth in it. That is absolutely 100% true, if you’re a skinny person and some yells ‘Hey, fat fuck’ you’re gonna laugh and be like ‘Nice joke dude, I have a 1% BMI’. But when it gets yelled at an actual fat person they are going to take it to heart. The internet is honestly no different and no matter how much I try to deny that it bothers me, it absolutely does. So much in fact I’ve noticed in the last year I’ve gained more weight and my health has degraded because I’ve lost confidence in myself because this message just rings in my ears constantly and I no longer focus on the stuff that really matters.

So I’ve made the decision yesterday that I’m going to mute and block anyone that is fixated on my weight or health. I am here to entertain and have fun and that has been sucked out of the experience for me by the people that constantly fixate on my weight and health and not on the content I create. I realize in the past I’ve made some videos that talk about how I want to change and that is 100% still true! I do want to change but I need to do it on my terms in the way I feel it’s right for me and in my own time.

Now obviously I’m not going to ban and block someone for saying ‘Looking good Jerry’ or ‘You look like you lost weight’ but the second you bring my son into that statement or my wife you’re muted and the second you bring any hateful tone into the message or consequence you’re banned for life. The truth is I’m very connected to my audience and unlike many other big YouTubers I spend a huge amount of time on Social Media interacting with my followers because that is why I originally got into this business in the first place. I love the people, I love the conversations and the different points of view. It’s just become so contaminated with weight and health related issues over the last year that I’m starting to become negatively affected by it and admitting that right now, right here, is important!

I haven’t been making videos that often and the reason for that is I’m literally getting to the point where I tremble turning on the computer in the morning because I know it’s just going to be another barrage of people not caring about what I create but only about my weight and health. The one thing not many people take into account is my mental health and how that affects my physical health. I’ve been fat my whole life and while working at Microsoft I did snowboarding, hiking,  mountain bike riding, etc all at about 250lb and every single physical I got had perfect numbers with “No recommendation to changes in diet or exercise at this time” written on the final page. Since I went full time YouTube and exposed myself more to a much larger audience of people that has changed and now I have gout in my foot, more gray hair, gained ~50lb and I went from a positive happy person to a negative and pessimistic person because I let all the hate in that flows through the internet.

Yesterday after a long talk with my wife I had an Epiphany! Every time I’m depressed, have no energy & have no drive the root problem I’m always talking about is the hate I receive online or the massive emails talking about how I’m going to die if I don’t change my ways, etc. My wife muttered the words “Why don’t you just block them?”. I immediately started defending the people that are both positive and negative saying that I don’t want to appear affected because they will just come at me harder and then she said “Can’t you just block them also?”. I was starting to wonder why  I was defending the very people that are causing me the stress and are messing with my health so much and realized I’m doing it because I believe many of them are right. However there is a big ‘BUT’ that I needed to observer here and that is even though they are right they are actually pushing me in the wrong direction. A single observation from a single person isn’t problematic but thousands of the same message from thousands of people starts to take its toll.

Imagine if you walked down the street with a mole on your face. You know that you have a mole on your face, everyone that looks at you see’s the mole on your face but you can still be happy and move about life and your business so long as everyone has a healthy respect for each-other and everyone realized that you have a mole on your face so there is no point in bringing it up. It’s no different with an overweight person. They obviously know they are overweight, they breath heavy going up a flight of stairs, they struggle to bend over to pick stuff up sometimes. But if you walk down the street and every person starts every single conversation with ‘Wow, it’s great you’re walking’ or ‘Wow, you lose that fat in no time’ or ‘Nice gut tubs…’ it sounds really positive right (except maybe the last one)? Wrong, it’s actually just drawing constant attention to their weight and making them super stressed out that their weight has become their defining characteristic and not their personality.

Once I realized that the problem isn’t just the trolls but also the nice people that are simply concerned I instantly relaxed and thought to myself, “Why am I just letting people bombard me about my weight when I have a ‘mute’ and ‘block’ button?”. The reason was because I didn’t disagree with what they were saying but more to the fact disagreed with the impact it was having on me collectively from multiple people hitting on the same things over and over again. It was like rubbing a scab until it falls off so the wound never heals.

I know it might sounds harsh that I’m going to be much more liberal with my ‘block’ and ‘mute’ buttons on social media and on YouTube but realize I’m doing it for my own personal health. I need to get my mental health and confidence back so I can move forward and get healthy on my own terms. I’ve done it several times throughout my life and it always happened when I was ready and I didn’t realize I was doing it because I did it in a way that was fun and I was passionate about. All the times I’ve failed to lose weight and keep it off were the times people just focused on my weight though the entire process and my weight quite literally defined me.

So in a nut shell I have muted about 15 people so far since yesterday and blocked 2 other people and just doing that gave me an insanely feeling of relief. The people I’m blocking are the people that are being negative and toxic. The people I’m muting are the nice people that just keep focusing on my weight and don’t seem to contribute anything beyond that. The goal here is to simply silence all of the people that stress me out so I can focus more time on the people that share my passions and like me for who I am and what I do rather then how gravity effects me and how many gray hairs I have.

Changing this way of thinking immediately gave me relief. I felt like I was released from a prison and immediately started smiling again. The truth is I’m here to entertain and share my experiences with you guys on my terms and if you don’t like those terms there are literally hundreds of thousands of other YouTube channels out there for you to watch. I don’t want to shut out my audience like other big YouTubers that just disable comments on their videos and have social media teams take over their feeds and interact with their audience becoming a buffer or proxy. I don’t want to do that so I need to be a little more strict and keep things on a level I enjoy so it doesn’t get out of hand like it has over the last year.

I finally realized that for me to be happy with myself I need to be in control of my life and that includes in control of the people that are allowed to communicate and interact with me. YouTube is kind of like having a bunch of apposing voices in your head constantly battling it out in a toxic way to establish dominance. I’ve decided to prescribe myself the medicine to silence those voices and stop defending them on he grounds they could be right. I’ve decided it doesn’t matter if they are right or not, they do not have the right to make me uncomfortable and if their cost to follow me involves me putting up with them being assholes or badgering me about something I’m uncomfortable with then I don’t really want that follower around. The followers I want are people that are passionate about the same things that I am and people that enjoy my sense of humor when it’s not being crushed by a mob on the internet. Those are the people I want in my audience, those are the people I want to see reflected in the lens of my camera when I’m sharing something awesome with the world.

Thanks for reading this and if you do end up being muted or blocked don’t take it personally. Just realized that I need to move forward with my life and focus on mental health first so I can then focus on physical health. This will allow me to continue to make the videos you love and support my family all while having actual fun and conveying that back to you.

TL;DR – I know I’m fat, ‘block’ & ‘mute’ are my new best friends, I’m taking back control of my life, If you can’t accept me for who I am then go find someone else, don’t be a dick, it’s not personal.

“It’s not an excuse to remain unhealthy, it’s a vow to restore mental health first so I can become healthy again.” – Barnacules

Questions & Answers

Q) Why not lose weight and focus on mental health at the same time?

A) For me personally my weight is dependent on my mental health so it must be established first. This is about what is RIGHT for me not what people think should work for me.

Q) It’s hard not to care about your weight when you make videos like this about it? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82VBiz0Vt3o

A) The video was almost a year ago and I thought it was what I needed, but after being exposed to social media and YouTube every day as a full time job it’s started to become clear that the root problems depression, lost confidence, etc all stemmed from the constant awareness of my weight and health and not being free to follow my passions and relax and enjoy life. Things change, just to avoid confusion I did update the video description on that video to clarify things.

Q) We just care about you Jerry! Why not just ignore the negative stuff?

A) I understand that! But as I said, the constant focus on weight and health is actually harming my mental state and preventing me from being in a good place where I can get healthy again. Not many people seem to understand this but I’m 100% positive this is the right decision for me right now.

Q) Are you going to ban anyone that mentions your weight?

A) Depends on the context of the conversation, if they are posting things about my weight on non-weight related videos or in threads on social media that have nothing to do with weight or health then yes, I will block or mute them. The core problem here is everywhere I look I see stuff about my weight and fitness nested in completely unrelated topics, etc. People will do anything to get their ideas on weight loss and health or judgement’s in front of me. That is the core thing I will be fighting moving forward to keep things more on topic and stop being abused to this constantly.

Find success the right way… #LifeTip

What’s up guys!

I have been observing a lot of negativity on the internet ever since I embarked on my new career in the YouTube production space. Most of this hate just comes from young kids trying to feel powerful and impress their friends and followers by acting a lot tougher then they would be in real life to bolster their inadequacies which is no different from children on the playground shoving each-other around and saying curse words out of ear shots of the adults just to feel tough and gain what they think is respect.

I fully understand this is completely natural but I’ve been observing a trend developing that I wanted to address and that is when these children start to grow up into adults but don’t really shake the mentality they had as a child and continue to think in that same immature way trying to be tough and trying to blame the world for their problems. I’ll be the first to say I’ve caught myself doing this literally hundreds of times throughout my life and as recent as few days ago so I wanted to talk about it.

The thing I’m seeing more and more is that people blame other people for their failures. I get so many emails, messages and links to other videos where small YouTube channels are making videos about how big YouTuber’s are sellouts, terrible people and stealing opportunities from real creators like themselves. Often the people in these videos throwing feces at the bigger YouTuber’s are shooting their videos on a cell phone with bad audio quality, no editing to speak of and literally zero effort in production. Yet they are saying the reason their channel isn’t blowing up is because the big guys are stealing all the views away from the little guys.

I’ll be the first to admit that when I was a smaller channel (<1000 subscribers) I also had moments where I thought bigger YouTubers were ruining it for the smaller guys. I would look at them as examples of what not to become because they are the problem and I don’t want to be a part of that problem. But what I figured out quickly as I grew little by little is the reason those channels were so big wasn’t because they were view botting, it wasn’t because their cousin or brother worked at YouTube and could cheat their channel into the top views. It was because their content actually engaged and entertained people on a level that mine did not because they were willing to take risks and find their groove and attract and audience that fit with that.

This changed my thinking a lot because if you try and convince yourself that all successful people are only successful because they had opportunities that you didn’t or did things that worked brilliantly but you feel made them a sellout then you’re only cheating yourself out of having those same opportunities since you won’t entertain them since you’re “going against the grain so to speak” or “fighting the establishment”.

What I’m getting down to here is why hate on successful people out of jealousy when you could be learning from their example & becoming successful yourself? I’m not saying you have to agree with everything people are doing but don’t spoil the opportunity to learn from it because you’re so quick to be against it for all the wrong reasons.
Turn your frustration away from hate and towards productivity! Success is a little bit like the lottery in one respect, you have to keep pushing and pushing, trying and trying, failing and failing but at some point you’ll have that break through moment that gives you the foot hold you need to keep pushing harder and further. But the second you give up the only person you’re failing is yourself and it’s easy to give up when you keep trying the same thing over and over without changing your tactics or learning from your mistakes or sometimes other peoples mistakes.
I see so many people just give up on their dreams and ultimately turn to hate and spite blaming others for their inability to realize their dreams when they don’t even realize just how close they would be to that break through had they just kept on pushing forward refusing to fail and observing other successful people and what they do rather then judging them outright without understanding them completely or promising to never be like them out of spite.

The seconds you say “I’m never going to be like that person” you’re now actively trying to be the opposite of what made that person successful. That doesn’t mean you will fail but the more and more people you don’t want to be like that are successful the smaller the bucket gets of people you can be like and it will start to make decisions very difficult to make down the road and also screw you out of opportunities strictly on the principals you’ve set that don’t make sense in a lot of cases down the road and were created under circumstances where you were angry. I speak from experience on all these points as I’ve feel into these same success traps myself. Never, ever, ever commit to something out of anger, wait for yourself to cool down then think with a level head.

It might feel good to justify your failure through blame towards someone else but the sooner you just pick up the pieces and keep learning from those failures and keep moving forward adapting and changing until you find your rhythm the faster you will realize your dreams are possible. Maybe not on the scale of own pyramids or doing barrel rolls in your harrier jump jet but some more realistic realization of those dreams.
I realize from my own personal experience after losing my career of 15 years that hate is not the answer. I kept blaming the company that laid me off (Microsoft) taking it completely personal and letting it mess with my confidence and self worth moving froward. At the end of the day it’s a company and I was just a number and they crossed off that number to change another number and it had nothing to do with my performance, it had nothing to do with me as a person, it just had everything to do with me being in a division the company no longer needed (… as it turns out they did need it but I digress :P).
Once I realized that almost a full year after I was laid off my life did improve. I started to regain my self confidence and found that I was focusing less on the hate and more on the positiveness that is on the internet today.

It’s like when you think of a certain car or it’s on your mind and you drive around and see like 20 of those cars but the day before when you were not thinking about that car you didn’t see a single one because they didn’t stand out, you didn’t see them in your peripheral vision so they didn’t register. Hate is very much the same way online, if you come to your keyboard in a bad mood or emotionally compromised you will see all the hate and the positive comments which are 99% of everything just float right by and the hate starts to gain amplification and pretty soon it’s all you see.

You will start taking everything out of context, you will see everything as a jab, you will twist peoples words not giving them the benefit of the doubt and ultimately you won’t sleep because you’re so angry with a ton of people that you have never even seen in real life that you’re sum total experience with is a few sentences exchanged in bad English on a social media site.

Again, I speak from experience on everything I’ve said up to this point. I’ve felt like a victim to all of these things and that is why I wanted to write about it in my BLOG today. The message I want to convey to everyone is that if you let hate win you can never succeed because success and hate are horrible bed fellows. So what I recommend you do is take that hate and question it and transform it into drive and passion to move in a positive direction. Don’t use that hate to justify failure and attacking others but rather use that emotional energy to prove people are wrong about you, that you can succeed in anything you set your mind to.

I’ve struggled for the last year and still have good days and bad days. Today my wife is going to see a specialist to get checked out for thyroid cancer since they think there is a high probability that is what she has. We’ve been waiting for the appointment for over a month because the health system in the united states has gone completely into the crapper over the last few years even though I pay more per month for insurance then I do for my house! It’s been a nightmare waiting this long on pins and needles but today I’m positive we’re going to get some good news. And if we don’t get good news were going to turn it into good news by getting the cancer removed, kicking it’s ass and moving forward stronger then where we started as a family. The old me would just fall into a void and hate the world and blame everyone for what is happening to me or the ones I love. I have no control over those things so I can’t let it consume me!

I am in a positive place as I write this because I refuse to get online when I’m in a negative place since I’ve found that most of the hate that breeds on the internet starts with someone have a “bad day”. Next time someone online says something horrible to you just click on their feed and read what they have been saying to other people. 9/10 times I’ve found that the person regardless of network (Facebook, YouTube, Instagram, Twitter) all have the same history of just having a bad day where they are going off on everyone or in some cases that’s all they do online because they have never been in a good place, period.

It’s rare to find someone say “Hey fat fuck, kill yourself” and you click on their feed and see pictures of funny cats and complements on other peoples posts and videos. Those people have a feed filled with hate directed not only at other people but also drawing hate back to themselves and they like that attention and have become comfortable with it to the point where it defines them as a person.

I also see a huge movement of people trying to create YouTube channels based on drama surrounding other big YouTuber’s or successful people. The point being that they were unable to find an audience through their own content and creation so they decided to simply attack bigger channels so they could use those bigger channels artwork in thumbnails, names in video descriptions and tags just to pull an audience. Then they start to get more views then normal because people watching these big YouTuber’s start to see the video since it contains matching meta data and circulate the video because there is drama involved and now the channel feel validated in attacking other YouTuber’s because it helps them grow and suddenly it’s all they do.

This unfortunately comes from a place of hate and the more people that create videos like this the more they start to change themselves into people that don’t care about what success looked like to them in the beginning but are settling for any kind of success they can get regardless of what it looks like on any level even if it really “isn’t them”. I get so many people that ask me “What kind of content should I make” when starting a YouTube channel or “How can I get a lot of subscribers and views fast”. If you’re asking those questions YouTube isn’t the place for you. The big channels mostly all started from small passionate channels as a hobby among friends or by themselves and grew slow, organically and steadily from the outset and eventually turned into something bigger when they had a break through video or really resonated with an audience and people started sharing their videos organically. There are a few channels that become really viral fast but in most cases they fizzle out and then stop making content or change direction (not always, but most of the time).

I just hope a few people that read this blog come to the realization that you can set a goal, miss that goal and still obtain that goal at a later date if you just keep working towards it. The trick is to never give up, never compromise, never let people tell you who you are, what you are or what your capabilities are and always be true to yourself. Don’t let the allure of fame lead you down a place where you would have never previously gone at the expense of others even if you feel justified in doing it because ultimately you will regret it after building a horrible legacy all for 15 minutes of fame; it’s just not worth it!

Please be good to each-other, think before you post and if you’re having a bad day go find something to do that you love instead of looking for a fight online. You have the power to not only influence your own mood and your own success but also to help others realize their potential and help them with their success as well. Don’t use your energy to destroy people and bring them down to your level when you’re having a bad day but rather get motivated and inspired by what others do and get on their level, it’s a much better journey.

Thank you for reading today’s blog, I don’t blog often but when I do it’s about issues that are close to my heart and things I hope will help not only myself but other people who read it. Even this BLOG just like my YouTube videos will pull hate from some people that have given in and given up but I’m not going to let that stop me from writing. I’m not going to let that stop me from shooting videos and I’m not going to let that stop me from eating a bag of Doritos after a long bike ride on a Saturday while playing some #GTAV on my HTPC and posting those pictures to Instagram!

Also realize it’s never to late to change. Even if you are a toxic troll seeking attention and attacking people from behind the safety of your keyboard today doesn’t mean you can’t turn into a kind and supportive person tomorrow and leave that all behind and start the process of finding what success looks like to you and following a path straight to it. It doesn’t even have to happen over night, do it at your own pace.

Love all of you guys, without your support I wouldn’t have a career in online media and I don’t take it for granted. Things can change every day so we must treat every day as a gift and realize that even in the worst case scenario we still have the power to turn it around if we truly want to deep down. I hope this helps just one person change their thinking just a tiny bit and realize success is always possible without having to hurt other people in the process and if things change or success changes you can change along with it and keep on pushing forward. I might be on YouTube today but tomorrow I might be programming automation software for a Fortune 500 tech firm or an internet startup in the basement of someones mom’s house. Nobody knows what the future holds but we can sure help narrow the scope of options available by what we do today.

Please share this with someone if you think they might be having a hard time and this could help them!

Eating Microphone

“… Social media is just one giant game of Cards Against Humanity with strangers” – Barnacules

Thank you,
Jerry Berg (aka. Barnacules)
http://barnnerd.com [YouTube channel]
http://instagram.barnnerd.com [New pictures daily!]
http://twitter.barnnerd.com [Where most of my daily babbling happens]
http://facebook.barnnerd.com [Longer posts, less frequent]
Like what I do? Buy me a coffee @ http://bit.ly/helpbarnacules

Health, PDXLAN & Making A Living

Hey Guys,

It’s been a very rough couple weeks since my vacation to Disneyland that didn’t go quite so well (very stressful, bad weather, anxiety, etc) and the impending sickness my entire family brought back from California piled on top of another gout flair up in my right foot that laid me out for a few more days.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel since the new medicine my doctor put me on called Allopurinol seems to be greatly reducing the gout severity and my foot is about 90% better. Ultimately this medication should prevent me from having another gout attack in the future after this one is done and over with since it will lower my uric acid levels in my body to a level where the crystals shouldn’t form in my foot joints anymore.

The timing couldn’t have been better for my recovery since tomorrow I leave for an event that I attend several times a year in Portland, OR called PDXLAN. This event is just a giant 4 day LAN party where you play games, chug caffeine and just have a good time and meet a lot of great people. I attend this event with Puget System from Auburn, WA several times a year and it’s one of my favorite events I attend because it’s just completely relaxed with no expectations beyond having a good time.

I’m a little worried about the trip since I will be driving my 2005 Subaru WRX STI and my right foot is still in a bit of pain and it’s a very long drive for a manual transmission. I really hope that I can find a route to avoid most traffic so when I arrive my leg doesn’t fall off. But I need to take my car for a few reasons, first I’m taking a lot of stuff including my HTPC (Houston) and my laptop (William Jr) along with my Ultimaker v2+ 3D printer which I’m loaning to Puget Systems to print stuff on site for the LAN party participants. But the most important reason for taking it is just to unwind. Something about driving a car with tuned suspension, loud exhaust and a lot of power that unleashes your mind to just focus on driving and nothing else. I find it hugely relaxing provided it’s not in stop and go traffic.

Once I arrive at the LAN I will get checked into my Hotel Room and get prepared for #TechTalk with JayzTwoCents at 5pm PST. After that I will get setup at the main event and I plan to do a lot of live streaming on YouTube of all the gaming sessions I’ll be playing and possibly even some other stuff like 3D printing, etc. I will also be shooting a VLOG while I’m down there and it’s going to be very chill, relaxed and organic with no production value beyond just sharing my experience with you guys.

Now it’s 3:52pm at this very moment and I have to still pack tomorrow before leaving around noon so I have very little time to shoot and edit another #JerryRigged and a video on upgrading the bases of my TV’s to actual monitor style stands so I can schedule the videos to release over the 4 days I’m gone at the LAN. This is something I need to focus on a lot moving forward is scheduling content on a more regular basis so if I get sick, etc I have some videos in the queue.

The whole concept of keeping a scheduled release for videos I’ve already shot and edited has always bothered me because I want to share everything the second it’s done. There were days over the last few years where I would release 3 videos in a single day just because I was making them. After doing a lot of research and now doing YouTube as a full time job I realize that to maximize exposure to a new audience (not just you super loyal viewers) I need to release at better times at a more predicable cadence to maximize my exposure on YouTube search. They call that Search Engine Optimization (SEO). I need to start creating and scheduling content in a way that lets me take better advantage of the system and continue to build up a reputation moving forward so I can continue to make better content.

I’ve decided to give YouTube another year (2016) to see if I can master running my own business and still keeping it fun and exciting. If I’m unsuccessful I will probably return to a senior level programming position at one of many companies that have extended offers. But I really want to make this YouTube thing work which means I need to figure out how to line things up better, shoot better videos, edit faster and make enough money to pay taxes, insurance and contribute to some kind of a retirement which I’m not currently doing.

I just wanted take a few minutes to lay out my thoughts in this blog for my most hardcore followers because you guys are ultimately the ones that keep this experience more positive then negative and keep me pushing forward. I hope you all have an amazing weekend and if you’re at PDXLAN be sure to stop by and chat it up with me.

I want thank each and everyone of you that have supported me by sharing my content, donating, buying merch or just being friendly. The only way to survive and make a living on YouTube in a way that is sustainable is to pick up as many crumbs as possible so you have enough to make a whole sandwich at the end of the day. And if that was not happening I wouldn’t be able to keep continuing down this path and for that I’m beyond grateful.

I realize just how important a budget and finance is now without a company contributing and matching a 401k, paying my taxes and giving me largely discounted health insurance. Now it’s important for me to make sure my money is working as hard as possible to keep my family afloat and help build a future. We just signed up for new health insurance last week that cuts my monthly premium by ~$600 but it’s still $1000 a month. But any place you can squeeze a little bit of a discount will lead to you keeping that money and being able to use it for other things like investments, paying bills, etc.

It’s amazing how much different the whole world looks when you’re working for yourself and you’re responsible for absolutely everything. I never realized just how much an employers does for you as an employee to keep your mind on the actual job. But in the case of Microsoft it was a LOT to say the least.

Love you guys, thanks for all the positive vibes and interactions on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and on here. It means a lot and I read as much as humanly possible, just because I don’t respond doesn’t mean I didn’t read what you posted. I absolutely love reading all the positive posts and banning and deleting all the negative ones, it’s therapeutic to me and even though I don’t have enough time in the day to respond to everything I want you to know that you’re words of encouragement really mean a lot to me and always will.

Picture taken 4 years ago @ Microsoft

4 years ago

Thank you!

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I get sick a lot…

Hey Guys,

Today I woke up hacking up a lung for the 4th day in a row and my ears feel like they have oceans in them and my nose is itching so bad I want to stick a drill bit up there to get some kind of relief. I realized that I catch a lot of flack in my video comments and on social media for being sick all the time and not producing enough videos as a result and I realize that it’s absolutely true!

Some people say it’s because I’m fat, some people say it’s because I don’t exercise enough and other people just think I’m unlucky and just have a crap immune system. The part that nearly nobody touches on is that I have a 5 year old son in the autistic spectrum that literally likes to put his hands on everything and goes to public school, private therapy and interacts with more people in the average day then most people do in a week.

The problem is my immune system is very weak from taking antibiotics in one form or another for literally everything for most of my life because of lazy doctors. When I get sick it takes 5 – 7 days for me to recover where as Xander and Mrs. Barnacules with the same exact cold will beat it in 3 – 4 days (sometimes faster). My immune system is lethargic and slow but I refuse to take antibiotics unless they are 100% necessary because I don’t wan to become so resistant to them that when I finally do have something that requires them my body doesn’t respond.

That unfortunately means I have to suffer through being sick each and every time and it’s almost always some bacterial infection in my lungs, throat, eats, sinuses, etc. I rarely get a sickness that is viral with a fever and headaches, etc.

Back when I worked at Microsoft when I got sick I could just remote in from home and write code all day, that’s easy to do when you’re sick. Just wrap yourself up in a blanket with a laptop in bed, get some coffee or tea and just crank out code. I didn’t have to talk, I didn’t have to move a lot, so it just worked.

Now that I work in media where my presence in front of the camera is required it changes what I can do when I’m sick. I don’t want to shoot a video where my nose is running and my eyes are watering and I’m coughing constantly. People would just spam the comments about what is wrong with me and not focus on the content itself. So that unfortunately means I’m not producing content when I’m sick which can be a week at a time. Sometimes it can even be more like with my gout episode I had in my foot that lasted for nearly a month. I still shot videos but I was in a lot of pain when I did them and it probably showed.

The truth is I do have a weak immune system, and I think exercise and possibly losing some weight could help with that and I fully plan to explore that. My foot is finally feeling better after that doctor finally put me on medicine to lower my uric acid to prevent gout attacks and once I’m over this nasty southern California sickness I brought back from Disneyland I will be back to the gym.

I figured I would spare you guys another vlog where I talk about why I’m not making videos as fast as you would like since a lot of people get irritated by that. So I figured I would just write it in my BLOG for my more supportive followers.

I don’t want to be sick, I don’t want to be fat, I don’t want to have a foot with gout crystals ripping through the joints. I don’t want a bad back that makes me take medicine to do things like bike riding and snowboarding just to cope with the pain. I want to be healthy and happy, but it’s not as simple as that otherwise I would have done it a 1000 times over. I understand their are some amazing success stories out there, and I hope one day the stars align for me and I get to be one of them. But in the mean time I’m going to do what I can and what I can tolerate towards becoming a little more germophobic and get a lot more exercise. They also say sleep is an important part of the immune system and because of my back I never sleep well, I can’t remember the last time I went to sleep and didn’t wake up at least 5 – 6 times throughout the night to move around to release pain in my back. I’ve tried multiple mattresses, etc. It’s just the curse of the compressed disc and having a bone spur sitting on my sciatic nerve. But I hope that losing weight will help with that so it’s still a goal of mine!

Thanks for reading, there should be a #TechTalk tonight @ 5pm PST (2/11). I appreciate the patience and understanding when it comes to new content. I do realize this is my job now and I have to deliver on some what of a solid schedule if I’m going to continue to succeed and build a future for my family. And I’m giving it one more year, if things don’t improve across the board by 2017 I’m going back to a software development job and going back to YouTube just being an occasional hobby. I also think the stress created from this job contributes a lot of my immune system health and I’m taking steps to work on that also. I’ll keep you guys updated and I will eventually do a BarnaVlog on my Disneyland vacation when the time is right but that ended up being a very stressful experience for me rather then a vacation so I’m giving myself some time to recover from it so I can look at the footage with new eyes.

Thanks for reading guys!

BarnaHulk

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I actually love Microsoft!

Hey Guys,

I have been receiving a lot of messages from people that think I hate Microsoft whenever I post something negative on social media about them or call them out on a bad decision or deception. They often claim that I’m just ‘butt-hurt‘ because I was laid off. This couldn’t be further from the truth!

If you actually read between the lines you would realize quickly this is not the case and I actually love the company and want them to succeed. I spent 15 years of my life deeply invested in this company and its vast array of technologies. I’m a C# .NET developer for instance and know the operating system both client and server front to back and even know a lot of stuff that isn’t public knowledge (undocumented API’s, legacy scripts, etc). If Microsoft went out of business tomorrow a part of me and my skills would die along with it!

My goal is not to have Microsoft fail or to help burn it to the ground. My goal is to keep people informed on the bullshit they are peddling so people can fight back and vote with their keyboards and comments to help send a message to Microsoft that it needs to stop being like its competitors (Google, Amazon, Apple, etc) that it once condemned for actions they are committing now and go back to being the best damn software company in the world!

I honestly feel with all my heart that the new direction of the company under the leadership of Satya Nadella is the wrong one. I’m not saying every decision he makes is wrong but the big ones have been catastrophic from a customer trust perspective. They cut tens of thousands of jobs down sizing a company rapidly that grew up in a culture that more people and more ideas is always better and that money doesn’t matter when you have more then you can spend already.

They are re-shaping the company to focus on cloud services and advertisement rather then Operating Systems and best in class office and enterprise tools. I get that a lot of people think Microsoft is doing a good job headed in this direction but I am not one of them. My 15 years of experience working there taught me just how unique of a company it was and how talented and passionate people that worked their were!

When they started shoveling them overboard just to downsize the company rapidly and started shipping FREE operating systems filled with lies & spying along with massive nagware of course that concerned me deeply. This was a massive departure from what the company once believed in and supported. I still speak to my many friends that work there and they all informed me morale is at an all time low and many people are constantly looking for other jobs and people are taking on testing work when they are project managers & software developers because they laid off way to many key people. It’s frustrating to me because I have a lot riding on Microsoft even not being an employee since 15 years of my skill and life depend on their platform.

Before you judge me or dismiss me for simply being Butt-Hurt or hating Microsoft please take a moment and think about it from my perspective. My entire career and skill-set revolves around the amazing technology Microsoft created and I would not be happy in the slightest if they went out of business.

I call out their bullshit not because I’m mad but because I want customers to catch them sending out bad patches or using customers as lab rats or stealing information & turning settings on or installing software without explicit permission. I’ve even seen them putting dialog’s in saying you can’t do certain things until you update to Windows 10 when you actually just need to install Office which is a huge departure from the Microsoft I knew. It’s actually everything Microsoft used to condemn other companies for doing!

I remember being at company meetings where people would talk about customer trust and integrity and how it was a key tenant. That is why I’m shocked to see that 1 year after the company was handed to Satya Nadella and tens of thousands of testers were laid off now they are doing all of the things they condemned just the year before?

Weather I work at Microsoft or not I could care less but I do care very much about the direction of the company since my legacy and skill-set is tied to them and I need them to succeed. So everything I say and everything I do has one simple goal of educating people so they don’t get caught with there pants down in the hopes Microsoft is forced to realize what they are doing and hopefully at some point returns to the reputable, trustworthy company that they once were hopefully before it’s to late.

And to be completely honest during my last 2 years at the company it was already headed down hill fast during the Windows 8.1 project and I was already petitioning internally to help change things. I was making huge waves when developers and project managers wanted to skip over bugs that could lead to data loss simply because it would delay the project. I would put my ass on the line to make sure graphics drivers didn’t ship when transient issues were detected and everyone else wanted to just ‘let them slide’ until we received more customer data.

I might not work at Microsoft anymore but I still feel a duty to try and do everything I can with the influence that I have to ensure they realize what they are doing and get called out for it. I also have a responsibility to all of my followers (You) to warn them of anything negative I find and help them work around it before it causes them so much pain they simply abandon the platform!

I might not wake up and report to an office on the Redmond Microsoft Campus anymore or carry around a blue badge with my employee number on it but I still feel 100% obligated to continue testing the software and continue trying to make my experience better and ensuring that Microsoft is informed of the problems I encounter and you are informed of any workarounds I can come up with or discover along the way.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I just wanted to get this off my chest since I was receiving a large volume of messages from people that simply dismiss everything I say as being ‘butt-hurt’ and wanting to destroy Microsoft when that is anything but the truth. I hope this helps at least one person understand the true motives behind everything I do. Just one person, and I’ll be happy.

Please, if you love Microsoft as much as I DO please do your part to help put them back on track instead of just dismissing their actions. You will ultimately help destroy the thing we’re trying to protect.

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Depression during Holidays…

Hey Guys,

Today I woke up in a piss poor mood and if I’m honest with myself I have not been able to shake it off. It seems like every year I get depressed around the Holidays but this year is a bit different. I feel like I’m a failure and I have no future despite all the data showing the opposite. I feel like that I don’t deserve to have a great family that supports me the way that they do. For some reason this time of year brings on a self loathing that I can’t explain and despite being aware of it I feel powerless to shake it.

I haven’t slept well in almost a month. I literally close my eyes every single night and I’m greeted with horrible nightmares surrounding my present and future. I honestly get to the point where I’m afraid to go to sleep and sit up watching NetFlix until like 3-4am until exhaustion and Benedryl (over the counter anti-histamine) finally take hold and force me to sleep. After a while this lack of sleep and energy leads to a place where you find it hard to even roll out of bed in the morning.

This morning I woke up around 7am and could not get back to sleep and finally drug my ass out of bed around 10am. I didn’t sleep at all during those 3 hours, I just stared at the wall and panicked about anything and everything.

I’m damn lucky to have a wife and kid that loves me no matter what because I feel like I’m a drain on them. I feel selfish for being around and forcing them to have to deal with this depression along with me. I am eternally grateful though that they love me enough to stick it out with me each and every year even when it’s getting progressively worse.

I don’t know what compelled me to write in my BLOG but I feel it might have something to do with it being easier to type my thoughts then share them in videos sometimes. I find that camera incredibly judgmental and intimidating this time of year. For some reason I care what people think, I care what their critiques are and I take everything with a boulder rather than a grain of salt so to speak.

You guys have been amazing, despite the few people that derive joy from trying to screw with me constantly the vast majority of my supporters enjoy what I do and support what I do to a point that makes me want to keep doing it despite the depression and anxiety that comes along with it. This month sales on shop.barnnerd.com have been great and despite YouTube screwing up the transition from Fullscreen (My old YouTube network) and losing some revenue at least I’m still getting a paycheck for which I am grateful. So the truth is I really don’t have much to complain about yet I still have trouble sleeping, I still have trouble functioning and I still have trouble deriving joy from life.

I’ve seen Star Wars – The Force Awakens twice and even got to see the premiere with my good friend Dan (Mr. Repzion on YouTube) which should have been amazingly joyful events but I found myself not really enjoying the movie (despite everyone else praising it heavily) and I’m starting to think perhaps it’s just my depression blinding me to the joy to be found. I’m not saying it was a bad movie, I just didn’t enjoy it like I had expected to and I think that comes from feeling obligated to do everything and never feeling like anything is a spontaneous and undocumented action anymore.

My New Years resolution this year is to stop holding on so tight and stop taking feedback so critically. I’m going to try and take my own advise and focus on what matters the most in life and not let all the hundreds of little things shake me. I’m going to try and recover from this depression enough that I can actually enjoy the holidays with my family instead of feeling the constant stress and anxiety of giving them a good Christmas and ultimately robbing them from the real experience.

We have a trip planned for Disney Land (Xanders first real vacation) in the next few months and I hope to be able to just enjoy that trip. I want to take the time to focus on my son and my wife and leave YouTube and the internet behind during that week. I might still post a picture here and there but the focus is going to be on enjoying the experience rather than sharing it or documenting it.

I really need to focus on the balance between living life and supporting life (personal vs. business in other words). Right now being self employed I’ve found that I never really stop working. Every single thing I do and every single decision I make is some how ties to the act of being self-employed. I miss just going to work and then clocking out in the afternoon and not thinking about work again until the alarm clock goes off the next day. I can honestly say I haven’t ever let go and just had fun in months as a result.

The support you guys give me is amazing, you the person still reading are the reason that I keep doing this. You’re the reason I want to find that balance and continue to make entertaining and educational content sharing my life with you. You’re the reason I haven’t just closed down shop and went back to a programming job at a fortune 500 tech company. You’re the reason I can support my family so I don’t have to worry about losing my house or my car. I want you to know that I love each and every one of you that selflessly support what I do and send me positive vibes. Without you guys who knows where I would be right now.

If you feel in any way similar to how I feel above know that it will pass. I experience this every single year and it always gets better during the first week or so of January. I realize this is something I should have vlogged about but I really didn’t want to create another video that gets 500,000+ views that is really just a cry for help. I feel like placing this in my BLOG puts a lot less pressure on me and allows me to share my feelings with my closest followers. You guys are great, sorry if reading this got you down. I just wanted you to know why I’m being ‘cranky’ on social media and potentially in any videos you may have watched recently. Don’t give up on me, just weather the storm with me and know it will pass.

Also many of you know I lost my kitty ‘Hannah’ a few months ago. I had to have her put to sleep and held her in my arms while she took her last breath. I felt I owed it to her to end her pain and suffering however the moment and memory of that event still haunts me daily. My son also keeps talking about her every few days and it really pulls at my heart strings. I didn’t realize just how close that cat and I were until I lost her. No matter what people say she was my other child and she can never be replaced. I’m trying to work on a project to make an urn for her ashes and I plan to make a video on that because I want to preserve that memory of laying her to rest and hopefully once that is done I can finally move on. It’s amazing how attached we as humans can get to our little fur babies.

The last thing I want to say is that I want to live. I want to get better, I want to feel happy, I want to feel successful, I want to be an amazing husband to my wife and amazing father to my son. The only way that is going to happen is if I start accepting myself for who I am and start rebuilding the confidence in myself that I’ve lost over the last year from all the negativity I’ve been exposed to online doing this full time. The internet is a very toxic place and the stuff you’re exposed to is not unlike radiation, it builds up to a point after a while where it starts to kill you inside and the only way to make it better is to distance yourself from it to give your body and mind time to recover. I think that is what I’ve been denying myself and need to work on in 2016 is finding those times to allow my body and mind to properly heal between bouts of exposure.

R.I.P my Hannah girl…

IMG_3771

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